Maternity grants will be renamed 'best start grants' and funeral payments will be called 'best ending grants' to make people feel better about needing them.
The innovative new business model comes as the Guardian prepares to announce a record full-year pre-tax loss of £173 million - money which it could have otherwise used to feed starving African children.
Murphy refused to clarify whether he'd interviewed for any jobs, saying that he'd “love to go over that” with us then continually refusing to address the point.
The Daily Mail has admitted that not everything it claims as Britain-hating, terrorist-loving, Maoist, anti-family, pro-scum criminality is necessarily any of those things.
"He's got a face that screams 'arsehole' so loud it could very easily be confused with a Pokemon called Arsehole," said work and pensions committee chairman Frank Field MP.
Kaine cited Trump's failed businesses and products such as Trumpon Feminine Hygiene, the GR8 Trump Assault Rifle and his unsuccessful theme park Trumpland.
Captain Taylor Wentworth said: "Officers were led to believe Mr Kinsey was a sadistic sexual predator. In that respect, our officers did their job heroically."
Please don’t elect Donald Trump because the twentieth century was really tough-going for me and I was hoping for a breather, History has pleaded with US voters.
President Erdogan's government has moved to assure the international community that Turkey has not fallen into repression and tyranny while smiling cheerfully and making heavy use of emojis.
Theresa May sided with the Antichrist, due to the rough beast possessing the “unifying spirit” and “ruthless abandon” necessary to bring Britain together.
The new PM referred to Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson as a "vegetable", dubbed Jeremy Corbyn a "complete imbecile", and snogged a man in a Ronald Reagan mask.
Mr Johnson only worsened his ordeal as he said he wanted to "simplify Syria", "tackle issues around the former Egypt" and "put the Shah back into Persia".
Political correspondent James Knochenmus said: “Unfortunately, we live in an age where dressing like a minstrel will go down terribly; Melania should know that.”
Temperatures are expected to exceed around 100,000,000C, with locals warned to wear plenty of sun tan lotion and hide in the bathtub with a mattress on top of them.
Once they're done yammering away, MPs will decide whether to renew the penis-shaped nuclear arsenal, scrap it and sell it to the North Koreans or dump it on the Welsh.
It comes hot on the heels of comments by Sir Nicholas Macpherson, former Treasury economist and indy opponent, who said last week: "If I were Scotland, I'd be like, 'fuck it'."
The Skynet mainframe acts as a deterrent to foreign threats at the point of cyborg-spearheaded annihilation, as well as keeping the population in line.
The film tells the story of four women who are able to hunt and destroy ghosts, which sexists have claimed is "poor writing" and "full of huge plot holes".
Today's survey showed that 64.2% of British people think that Mrs May should not not be able to continue unchecked, while 68.7% support the cessation of polls.
Journalists have sought to reassure members of the public that they are no happier with the situation than they are, but most can no longer speak in complete sentences due to sleep deprivation.
Facts have shown the newly appointed Environment Secretary just cannot help making broad, generalising statements, despite everyone telling her she is wrong.
Jeremy 'Indy' Hiscock explained that the necropolis matched information shared by Plato, despite previous interpretations suggesting the city was a “crock of horseshit”.
Reliance on inoffensive topics has resulted in the increased popularity of vapid talking points, such as “whether Darth Vader is in the new Star Wars movie".
"It's grossly hypocritical for someone like me, who has publicly put such stock in family values and in opposing sexual deviancy, to then go and try and cheat on my wife with a human being."
The Daily Belter 