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Corbyn unveils self as Batman to boost re-election hopes

Jeremy Corbyn revealed himself to the world as Batman as he launched his campaign to retain leadership of the Labour Party, promising to tackle the “five ills of the 21st Century” with his arsenal of gadgets and bat themed weapons.

As part of his pledge to “fight injustice” as leader, Mr Corbyn finally outed himself as the caped crusader, putting an end to decades of mystery as well as explaining his visible and perpetual tiredness.

Mr Corbyn is facing a challenge from Owen Smith for leadership of Labour, and it is understood that Mr Corbyn has ceased his previous policy of anonymity in order to provide “more transparent justice to Britain”.

A Labour Party memo leaked to the The Daily Belter reveals challenger Mr Smith to in fact be the super-villain Black Mask

Mr Corbyn also sought to correct the public image of Batman as a violent conservative vigilante, claiming that a “hostile and biased” media had “skewed” the perception of his alter-ego, creating the illusion that he was nothing more than a one percenter who invests a fortune in pummelling low level crime.

Mr Corbyn said: “I tackle all crime equally, whether that be dealing heroin to kids or defrauding revenue and customs, and in that sense I’m very much a modern Batman, one just as concerned with social justice as I am with street justice.”

“Despite claims to the contrary from a hostile and biased media, being Batman and being a socialist are not incompatible, and indeed nor is violence incompatible with that justice, for after all violence is our final weapon against tyranny, and a tyrant may easily be a man pointing a knife at you, or it may be an insensitive and heartless Conservative Government.”

He added that his alter-ego wouldn’t influence a more aggressive approach towards his opponents in the build up to a General Election, saying: “I’m not going into the gutter with anyone – unless they threaten justice.”

There are now widespread rumours that Mr Corbyn will enlist the help of Andy Burnham as his young, hotpants-wearing sidekick, and also that it will soon be revealed that George Osbourne is The Riddler and that Margaret Thatcher killed Mr Corbyn’s parents.

Labour leadership challenge

Despite proving to be a minor villain, Owen Smith insists he isn’t “making up the numbers”.

The revelation is likely to cause huge ripples in not just British but global politics, with a shock overcoming people surely akin to finding out that your mother is actually your father.

Yet it proved an apt explanation for the swelling support for Mr Corbyn despite the general consensus being that he’s an ineffectual old grandpa.

When asked if this secret was why he was previously so timid in Parliament, Mr Corbyn replied: “Well, I wouldn’t use that word, but certainly I did have to hold back a little so nobody would suspect anything – it’d tip everyone off if I beat up Mrs May and escaped using a grapple hook.”

“Naturally, I wanted to put Nigel Farage in Arkham and steal the Trident warheads and fly them out in to the Atlantic, but what I’ve learned is that being Batman is about more than just wearing a mask – it means something, and with that power comes responsibility.”

When asked if this wasn’t a Spiderman reference, Mr Corbyn scowled in irritation and said: “I didn’t use the word ‘great’ did I? That eight-legged gimp doesn’t have copyright over the idea anyway, does he?”

The first challenge for Mr Corbyn under his mission statement might not be far off, as there are early reports that the party will have be investigated for potential electoral fraud after 180,000,000 people registered to vote on the leadership contest.

Mr Corbyn’s speech drew inspiration from the 1942 Beveridge report and the foundations of the Labour Party, albeit through the prism of superhero based crime fighting.

He told the party: “The injustices that scar society today are not those of 1945; want, squalor, idleness, disease and ignorance, and they have changed since I first entered Parliament in 1983, and even since I first picked up the cowl and cape in 1989 – for now they are The Joker, Black Mask, The Riddler, Ra’s Al Ghul and Manbat.”

“In my campaign of justice, I want to confront all five of those ills head on, setting out not only how Labour will campaign against these injustices in opposition but also spelling out some of the measures the next Labour government will take to overcome them and move decisively towards a society in which opportunity and prosperity is truly shared. I’m Batman.”

Labour’s leaked memo suggests Mr Smith is Black Mask, George Osborne is The Riddler, Tony Blair is Ra’s Al Ghul, Michael Gove is Manbat and Boris Johnson is The Joker.

About Scott Malcolm Patterson (83 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

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