Free coffee and cocaine on every street corner to keep England alert

Complimentary coffee and cocaine will be provided on street corners to keep the English population alert, the UK Government has announced.

As the terrified English are forced to return to their Covid-riddled workplaces, buses and trains, it is hoped the free coke will stop them “cowering in the corner and letting coronavirus drunkenly leer at their elderly relatives”.

Indeed, it is believed the combination of caffeine and charlie will make the populace so unbearably irritating and unnecessarily aggressive that the virus will stick its headphones in and keep itself to itself.

“We expect there to be a steep rise in monologues laced with bravado and paranoia,” a Downing Street source told The Daily Belter (accidentally mistaking us for a right-wing tabloid).

“And if the virus does try to start shit, well, everyone will be alert and unhinged as fuck.”

Concerns raised by new Labour leader Lord Starmer of Keir over a potential rise in insomnia and hallucinations as a result of the new policy have been dismissed by the Conservatives as “Jimmy Savile”.

It comes after key public health messaging was changed in England to “stay alert, control the virus or die trying”, while Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland opted to keep the old advice of “stay home, get depressed, make pies”.

There are concerns that telling people in England to “control the virus or die trying” could lead to a lot of them dying, or at least trying.

And the advice to “stay alert” has been pilloried as unclear, with one public health expert saying: “Stay where? How alert? Why stay? Is alert even a word? Not all of us are English graduates.

“But lots of the English are going to… going to graduate to being DEAD. Did you think of that?”