"It's difficult to weep with anything another than laughter when a total walloper gets banned off something. Then again, free speech and stuff. I'm torn. Haha. Ha."
"They're hardly representative of the Scottish economy - it's no like we had to shut down the old economy and start a new one in the bottom leagues. Did we?" he added, in an obvious moment of doubt.
The suspicious people of Glasgow have been left wondering "what's really going on" now that basic, operational public transport has returned to the city, "virtually overnight" and "without warning".
Peaty, 21 in human years but 105 in fish years, told reporters he had heard his people calling him home through vibrational frequencies only merfolk and dolphins can perceive.
A leaked honours list drawn up by giant cumquat and former prime minister David Cameron has revealed his plans to give some kind of honour to pretty much everyone, but definitely not you.
The innovative new business model comes as the Guardian prepares to announce a record full-year pre-tax loss of £173 million - money which it could have otherwise used to feed starving African children.
The Daily Mail has admitted that not everything it claims as Britain-hating, terrorist-loving, Maoist, anti-family, pro-scum criminality is necessarily any of those things.
"He's got a face that screams 'arsehole' so loud it could very easily be confused with a Pokemon called Arsehole," said work and pensions committee chairman Frank Field MP.
Please don’t elect Donald Trump because the twentieth century was really tough-going for me and I was hoping for a breather, History has pleaded with US voters.
The new PM referred to Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson as a "vegetable", dubbed Jeremy Corbyn a "complete imbecile", and snogged a man in a Ronald Reagan mask.
Once they're done yammering away, MPs will decide whether to renew the penis-shaped nuclear arsenal, scrap it and sell it to the North Koreans or dump it on the Welsh.
It comes hot on the heels of comments by Sir Nicholas Macpherson, former Treasury economist and indy opponent, who said last week: "If I were Scotland, I'd be like, 'fuck it'."
Journalists have sought to reassure members of the public that they are no happier with the situation than they are, but most can no longer speak in complete sentences due to sleep deprivation.
"It's grossly hypocritical for someone like me, who has publicly put such stock in family values and in opposing sexual deviancy, to then go and try and cheat on my wife with a human being."
Following a blonde-haired mad person's decision to blow up the Southron government and economy for no real reason, the North are preparing to raise their banners in defiance.
The Daily Belter 