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Ostrich on the loose in Ayrshire ‘might be Alistair Darling’

An ostrich which has been sighted on the run in Patna, Ayrshire, is possibly former chancellor Alistair Darling, reports suggest.

The Scottish SPCA is urging people not to approach Darling, who is known to get jittery under pressure, and has form in attacking perceived threats, after biting the BBC’s Countryfile presenter Adam Henson back in May.

An animal rescue officer said: “It is unclear why the ostrich that we think might be the former chancellor of the exchequer has gone on the lam, but we think it may also have young with it.

“Anyone in the area who spots Darling or its young should call us as soon as possible so we can return it to the House of Lords.

“We are warning members of the public not to approach the adult ostrich and to especially avoid approaching its young as Darling can be very protective and occasionally aggressive, and has a history of resisting change.”

It was first understood that Darling was probably an ostrich during the independence referendum campaign, when interviews that saw him pressed on tightening polls between Yes and No led to him routinely dunking his head into wastepaper baskets and telling interviewers to go away.

Sightings of the ostrich should be reported to Scottish Labour HQ in Glasgow, or failing that, longtime friend and walrus Gordon Brown.

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About Dan Vevers (73 Articles)
Journalist, unpublished novelist and occasional swinger, politically speaking. Don't quote me on anything.

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