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Bombshell poll shows majority of Scots now support Motherwell

A stunning new poll has revealed majority support in Scotland for Motherwell, with 52% in favour to 51% against.

The Fir Park club has described the result of the new Lord Ashcroft poll as “phenomenal” and “highly unexpected”, with supporters of Hamilton Academical and Airdrie reportedly seething.

It marks a sea-change from 2014, when Scots narrowly voted in a referendum not to become a Motherwell Scotland, which the club had promised was a “once-a-relegation” vote.

Manager Steve Robinson has called the Ashcroft polling a “welcome boost” after starting the new season with a goalless away draw against Livingston.

Backing for Motherwell, and the prospect of a second Motherwell referendum, wasn’t the only surprise result in the online survey of 1019 Scots.

Having previously reported in polling that they were “sick and tired of voting all the time”, a two-thirds majority (82%) now say they want to vote all the time, and hold referendums on the hour, or even by the minute, on everything from politics to geography to particle physics.

But asked if they think they ever change their mind on stuff, 94% responded “how dare you even ask that”, while a further 52% said “never”.

The poll also discovered a slim majority (89%) in favour of independence from having to have any sense of responsibility for anything.

Meanwhile, asked who they would prefer to be Prime Minister out of Boris Johnson and Bertie Wooster, more than sixty-twelve percent said Hugh Laurie.

Quizzed on where they would place the effect of Brexit on the likelihood of their partner having an affair, on a sliding scale from ‘no-deal, no pre-nup’ to ‘People’s Vote in the streets, syphilis in the sheets’, 102% said ‘don’t know’.

The poll is the first to be conducted in Scotland since Boris Johnson entered Number 10 uninvited and without a condom, and the second since the Game of Thrones finale aired in May, which a majority agree “is getting worse with age, like a bad wine”.

About Hans Wringing (6 Articles)
Paid-up member of the new liberal intelligentsia

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