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Ugly stupid kids accidentally picked to open exam results on TV

A secondary school has apologised after inviting a group of unattractive, under-performing children to open their exam results in front of TV cameras in an embarrassing PR gaffe.

Pupils at Gethin High in Glasgowshire had been selectively picked for the media photo call, but a spreadsheet error thought to be the result of shit Maths teachers resulted in the ugly dunce kids getting the nod.

Footage on evening news programmes showed the uninspiringly introverted students opening their certificate letters to reveal a collection of Cs, Ds, and fails, to the embarrassment of their teachers and themselves.

The unremarkable toerags, likely never to amount to anything, reacted with a mixture of tears, sullen silences and soapbar joints, with one telling a BBC reporter: ‘Fuck you, yir not ma maw.’

Gethin High head teacher Bruce Forsyth admitted school management had “dropped the ball” and swore the children would never again see the light of publicity.

Mr Forsyth said: “It’s obviously horribly embarrassing.

“The people want 16-year-old blonde girls bouncing around in happiness at getting As in PE and music and charmingly nerdy lads generally happy with their near-perfect science results but disappointed they got a B in History.

“Not this. By Christ, not this.

“Every school has its no-hopers, but no one wants to see them with dinner. We dropped the ball and I can only beg the public’s forgiveness.”

Thousands of students across Scotland discovered their results at Higher level and whatever-the-fuck it is that has replaced Standard Grades.

Educational scientists are already divided over whether the general decline in pass rates is a result of kids getting stupider, exams getting harder, dabbing or chemsex.

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About Hans Wringing (6 Articles)
Paid-up member of the new liberal intelligentsia

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