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Depressed and angsty Warner Brothers removes self from search results

Warner Brothers, the film studio behind the DC Expanded Universe and the Harry Potter series, has taken legal action to remove itself from Google search results due to becoming depressed and angst-ridden over the critical failure of Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad.

In an bizarre development that was initially taken to be a mistake by the company’s legal team, like a similar case where Fox News attempted to sue itself over The Simpsons making fun of them, it would appear that Warners’ wish to be removed from public consciousness due to an unhappiness and anger over poor box office receipts, derisive remarks and faecal based hate mail.

An online legal company named Vobile have submitted a series of ‘take-down’ orders to various legitimate websites such as Google, Amazon streaming and IMDb, with reports stating that Warners’ is engulfed by a “furious, drunken melancholy”, with the CEO reportedly throwing a decanter into a fireplace and declaring “if they shan’t love thy fruits, thou should cease their sight of mine heart!”

Founded in 1923 by four men called Warner who were reportedly brothers, the entertainment company have produced some of the most famous films of all time such as A Streetcar Named Desire, The Exorcist and Battlefield Earth, but have received poor feedback more recently and were described as “pussy faces” by Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte.

Heavy condemnation and mockery from fans and critics, particularly towards the DCEU project, has led to Chairman and CEO Kevin Tsujihara Warner and Vice Chairman Edward A. Romano Warner becoming “angsty and depressed”, though reports suggest the former is more “angry sad” while the latter is a generally “passive-submissive sad” with bouts of “existential crisis”.

Suicide Squad

The Blu Ray release of Suicide Squad will reportedly feature a watermark over the film saying “fuck you”.

Since 2013, Warners have attempted to emulate the success of Marvel’s Expanded Universe series by producing a similar variant featuring adaptations of DC Comics material, but the films have been criticised for “uneven tone”, “morose themes” and “Zach Snyder”.

The ‘DCEU’ debut, Superman movie Man of Steel, was met with a mixed critical response and derided by many filmgoers despite performing well financially, due to being a ferocious two and a half hours that boils down to “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s 9/11!”.

This year their highly anticipated sequel Batman v Superman was released and was similarly criticised for it’s inconsistency, and the film was deemed a failure despite efforts to appease fans by later releasing Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice: Man of Steel 2: Gods v Men: Grandma’s Peach Tea: Ultimate Edition on Blu Ray.

And the latest effort, Suicide Squad, has been hit the hardest by the critical backlash amidst tales of hasty reshoots, uncertain creative control and Jared Leto maybe not being as great as everyone thought, with one petition to ban aggregation site Rotten Tomatoes over their average score being launched by a surely very respectable young man with great career prospects.

These developments appear to have pitched the studio over into self-destructive oblivion, and despite a prestigious 93 year history of film production, such schizophrenic despair and mental combustion suggests the worst for people genuinely looking forward to sure-fire hits such as Dan Brown adaptation Inferno and Gerard Butler vehicle Geostorm.

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About Scott Malcolm Patterson (75 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

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