A stunning new poll has revealed majority support in Scotland for Motherwell, with 52% in favour to 51% against. The Fir Park club has described the result of the new Lord
Ms Sturgeon implied that Brexit is so cataclysmically destructive it will distort the space-time continuum and regress our universe a decade during a terrifying speech.
"It's difficult to weep with anything another than laughter when a total walloper gets banned off something. Then again, free speech and stuff. I'm torn. Haha. Ha."
"They're hardly representative of the Scottish economy - it's no like we had to shut down the old economy and start a new one in the bottom leagues. Did we?" he added, in an obvious moment of doubt.
Olav was given to the Norwegian army, as part of a tradition of donating the country's best and brightest to our Norse masters, a throwback to the Viking era.
UEFA said: “Their fans showing Palestinian flags was intended to offend Israelis, and the tricolour can have the same effect on the English and Northern Irish."
Initially the accident was believed to be caused by bad weather, despite the tug boat captain claiming “I done be seen the beast, beast she was and fangs up the clunge”.
The suspicious people of Glasgow have been left wondering "what's really going on" now that basic, operational public transport has returned to the city, "virtually overnight" and "without warning".
Renowned blogger Bruce Wills-It called English “a throwback to a time when the Scots were given no voice” and “the equivalent to a reporter covering the black community being called David Uncle-Tom”.
Maternity grants will be renamed 'best start grants' and funeral payments will be called 'best ending grants' to make people feel better about needing them.
Murphy refused to clarify whether he'd interviewed for any jobs, saying that he'd “love to go over that” with us then continually refusing to address the point.
Theresa May sided with the Antichrist, due to the rough beast possessing the “unifying spirit” and “ruthless abandon” necessary to bring Britain together.
It comes hot on the heels of comments by Sir Nicholas Macpherson, former Treasury economist and indy opponent, who said last week: "If I were Scotland, I'd be like, 'fuck it'."
Jeremy 'Indy' Hiscock explained that the necropolis matched information shared by Plato, despite previous interpretations suggesting the city was a “crock of horseshit”.
It preceded a quick succession of movements in the Scottish Court, which saw Patrick Harvie crowned King of the Midge, and Alex Salmond proclaimed one of five Guardians of Scotland.
After an ugly exchange, Mrs May said: “YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF MY NUKES, HALF-PINT!”, to which Mrs Sturgeon defiantly replied: “Goan make me, soft shite.”
The Daily Belter 