News Ticker

Desiccated corpse of Oliver Cromwell made Scottish Secretary

The desiccated corpse of Oliver Cromwell has been made Secretary of State for Scotland, replacing a sad and bearded David Mundell.

Cromwell, 420, has been given a purview to govern “the dominions thereto belonging to Parliament.” He is expected to introduce radical reforms to housing and the NHS, including the removal of both, as well as to personally perform a spooky seizing of Holyrood.

New PM Boris Johnson said the appointment would “protect the four asserted, well assorted, onions of our onion union, original and fresh with his old rumpy pumpy rump” and that the desiccated corpse of Cromwell would keep the Scots in line with his “martial vigour” and “scary empty eye sockets”.

Paying tribute to the outgoing Scottish Secretary, Johnson said: “David Mundell has been, phwoah, he’s been a chap, hasn’t he, a big old chap. Very bold and bearded with his spectacles, sort of like a likeable Gerry Adams, but ruppa puppa, more alive and less explodey. ”

Mundell, who has spent the last twenty four hours slopping around Johnson’s Whitehall HQ with his midriff and beard exposed, is said to be even more disappointed that usual.

Cromwell was quoted as saying: “                                                                                              .”

Mr Johnson, who enjoyed his first few hours in No 10 measuring his new bookcases and eating custard from a spittoon, was eventually persuaded to begin the work of appointing a new team of ministers shortly after sherbert.

He briefly outlined who would take each post in his cabinet, which he described as “an excellent barrel”.

In the most controversial appointment, Johnson has selected Nigel Farage to serve as his Home Secretary on the basis that “this lovely old China, he’s a fellow, he has fluffy pillows if you catch my meaning, he can turn loose borders into, blep, into corduroy briefs on a hot Sunday!”


An inside source described Mundell as “unhappy” and “bearded” and “an arsehole.”

It is understood that Mr Farage has left the Brexit Party, and that he will resign his new post as Home Secretary to “spend more time with [his] foreign family”. In unrelated news, Mr Farage will begin hosting a game show on RT called ‘Tail wags Dog’ in September.

Johnson has chosen Jacob Rees-Mogg to replace leadership rival Jeremy Hunt as foreign secretary, saying that the monocled sputineer has the “rasta-go-fasta and Edenian spirit” to effectively coordinate efforts with “continentals of all flavours”.

“I’ve spoken to, Ja, Ja, Ja, to Jacob a few times and he has me, oh he has me down to a tee, with all his ‘biggus dickus, Boris’ and his ‘oh, I say’.”

Asked for a comment, Rees-Mogg told The Daily Belter: “Ceterum autem censeo Carthaginem esse delendam. Silent enim leges inter arma, dear boy. Run along and fetch some Windoline, if you will. Can’t let the brown delegations catch us with filthy panes to go with their filthy squalor.”

James Cleverly, who Johnson described as “an expensive biscuit,” has been selected as Chancellor of the Exchequer, while Amber Rudd has become Health Secretary after impressing Johnson with her “rubbly dubbly” handling of welfare claimants as Work and Pensions Secretary.

Dominic Raab has become Defence Secretary due to his “interestingly scary army villain name” and his “excellent sense of geography and geo, Geovanni Da Vinci, geo-political hubbaballoo”.

Brexit hard man Steve Baker is the new Trade Secretary, and Prince Philip has been made Transport Secretary because of his “ancient Greek wisdom” and “doofoo, boofoo, soofoo clab pab.”

List of Mr Johnson’s Cabinet in full:

  • Deputy Prime Minister: Michael Gove immobilised by medusa spider venom

  • Chancellor of the Exchequer: James Cleverly

  • Home Secretary: Nigel Farage

  • Foreign Secretary: Jacob Rees-Mogg

  • Brexit Secretary: Mark Francois

  • Defence Secretary: Dominic Raab

  • Justice Secretary: The ghosts of Fred and Rose West

  • Health Secretary: Amber Rudd

  • Education Secretary: Joey Essex

  • Trade Secretary: Steve Baker

  • Business Secretary: Mike Ashley

  • Environment Secretary: Lord Monckton

  • Transport Secretary: Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

  • Housing Secretary: Postion vacant

  • International Development Secretary: Nadine Dorries

  • Culture Secretary: Milo Yiannopolous

  • Works & Pensions Secretary: The spirit of Robert Maxwell

  • Lord Privy Seal: Hoover

  • Scotland Secretary: Desiccated corpse of Oliver Cromwell

  • Wales Secretary: A. A. Gill’s legacy

  • Northern Ireland Secretary: Ian Paisley Jnr.

  • Party Chair: The Iron Throne

About Scott Malcolm Patterson (83 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: