Conservative Party – The Daily Belter

Johnson pledges new ‘healing camps’ to ‘make Britain done again’

A characteristically dishevelled and urine-scented Johnson was giving his first speech since election victory.

December 14, 2019

Rees Mogg claims he “wouldn’t have left trench” in WWI

He said he would have insisted on a new strategy to locate a young Adolf Hitler and extirpate him.

November 11, 2019

Desiccated corpse of Oliver Cromwell made Scottish Secretary

Dominic Raab is Defence Secretary due to his “geography and geo, Geovanni Da Vinci, geo-political hubbaballoo”.

July 24, 2019

PM Boris Johnson calls for ‘wibbly bibbly’ spirit

Mr Johnson did not take any press questions, and raced away in the direction of Downing Street on a large milk float with his face painted on it.

July 24, 2019

Jeremy Hunt begs Ruth Davidson to withdraw endorsement

In an emotional plea to the Scottish Tory leader, Hunt said he 'has a family'.

June 27, 2019

Scottish Pandas leader resigns after loss to Conservatives

Yang Guang cited his failure to maintain "more Pandas in Scotland than Tory MPs” as his primary reason.

June 9, 2017

Theresa May seeks to secure Waitrose shopping without money

When asked why, Mrs May was heard to reply: “Breakfast means breakfast”.

June 9, 2017

Gorilla gaffe BBC to compare Ruth Davidson with 12 year old boy for ‘political balance’

The BBC said: "Nothing is more important than neutrality and balance, so we can do nothing more than express our regret. It was funny, though."

October 15, 2016

David Cameron to ‘begin process of melting immediately’

The cherished former PM will slowly turn into an acidic liquid, before sizzling into a gaseous vapour and fucking off.

September 12, 2016

Twat who got us into this mess says everyone who isn’t helping is ‘lazy’

“This country is not the free-trading nation that it once was. It's shit now, and I hate it. I wish you'd all just help us with Brexit," said Dr Fox.

September 10, 2016

Theresa May’s cabinet play checkers to avoid Brexit implementation

Claims made would suggest the government as a whole are dragging their heels, problematic given that the UK import their heels from Belgium.

August 31, 2016

May to face armed combat during Brexit talks

At present, no date has been set for the fight, but the construction of a spectacular arena off the coast of Italy has already begun.

August 1, 2016

David Cameron preparing knighthoods for school pals and drinking buddies

A leaked honours list drawn up by giant cumquat and former prime minister David Cameron has revealed his plans to give some kind of honour to pretty much everyone, but definitely not you.

August 1, 2016

New Foreign Secretary Johnson ‘too busy’ to stop being an arsehole

Mr Johnson only worsened his ordeal as he said he wanted to "simplify Syria", "tackle issues around the former Egypt" and "put the Shah back into Persia".

July 20, 2016