Boris Johnson spoke to the media as Prime Minister for the first time today, and called for the people of the United Kingdom to have “wibbly bibbly spirit” as inspiration against the “Kathmandu farrago” posed by an impending no-deal Brexit.
Speaking briefly outside Buckingham Palace, Johnson also said he would soon reveal his “Bojo biscuits team, the drurm arhm, the finest faffle team of cabineteers since the old, since the old tasty old Earl Grey’s little deck of cads whey, whey back in the biscuit factory”.
“Now there’s a lot of old ‘nay nay, noo noo’ from all you, blurm, all you newsmongers, and all you silly billy little remainers, and well well, to you I say, look! Hark! Here’s Bojo!” the former London mayor added.
“The bad times stop here, now, and here and yes! I have a cornetto. I have all these lovely biscuits, they were made in Ealing, and Sandbach, and Dulwich. Is that Europe? Not anymore, matey. This grand old Britannia needs less nibbly nobbly and more wibbly bibbly, on guard, good sprees!”
Johnson – who yesterday was revealed to be a Dom Joly character gone awry – was briefly slowed on his route to the palace by climate protesters, but they retreated from the road after the new PM emerged from his chauffeur-driven car to throw fistfuls of kipper and Mars Bar chunks at the activists.
He faces a daunting in-tray of national and international challenges, but addressing these, Johnson said: “Bah, piffle. Load of cobbled cobblers and rum-pum-pum pims mixers. Trouble is as, frum bum trouble dum do.”
In closing remarks, Johnson said that he expected his “baked brilliantees” to make “Great Britain great again, literally Great, comprised of many land masses and powered by paprika and darjeeling and the Duchees of derring doo!”
“Boo, bah and humbug to you nay nay Shetland ponies, wabba tap! Foo! There’d be no place in the stocks for you with Lizzie or Vickie or even Annie running about with flapping trains, oh no. People of Britain! You have your new prince and he has one principle only! That is; choo choo! Chuh chuh chuh chuh chuh chuh chuh chuh Teetee! Tee! Chuh chuh chuh.”
He is reportedly considering appointing Nigel Farage, the ghosts of Fred and Rose West and Brexit hard man Steve Baker to key Cabinet posts, with the future of bearded sea anemone David Mundell as Secretary of State for Scotland thought to be in doubt.
Mr Johnson did not take any press questions, and raced away in the direction of Downing Street on a large milk float with his face painted on it.