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May announces raft of beheadings in bid to ‘recapture the glory days’

The Prime Minister has announced a list of MPs whose heads shall grace the banisters of Westminster as her government adopts a new Tudor-esque style.

Theresa May has ordered the beheading of numerous MPs, including Number 10 rival Michael Gove, and Larry the Cat. Larry has supposedly been foregoing his cat litter, instead favouring Mrs May’s teacups.

Mrs May said she was excited for the new decoration of heads to be installed “as soon as the blocks come in”.

She said: “The public must be able to see their representatives at all times. What better way to encourage this by making their MPs the first face they see as they enter Westminster? These members will truly be the face of our government.”

The Prime Minister said the move was inspired by the imperial nostalgia brought about by Britain dominating almost all of the world at the Olympics this year.

Mrs May explained: “My colleague Heather Wheeler [Conservative whip] was getting right excited about the whole empire thing, and I thought – why stop there?

“Heads on spikes, corsets and no healthcare for peasants I say – and I tell you what, Heather agreed.”

She also stated the new method of governance would assist with her attempts to bring the UK into a new age of digital.

She said: “As it was in the Tudor period so it shall be now: a truly wireless age, where cabling shall become a thing of, well, the past.”

Speaking on her flagship policy of ending “modern slavery”, Mrs May assured a more Tudor-like form of slavery would be adopted as soon as possible.

“For too long,” she said, “we have been doing slavery completely wrong. Instead of looking to the past for inspiration, we are looking to the future, and attempting to modernise slavery for the new age.

“With my leadership we will ensure those kept as slaves will be given nothing more than a complementary blanket and one day a year to watch the cricket.”

MPs have had to get used to the new dress code of the Commons, including (but not limited to) ruffs, doublets, and farthingales.

Speaker of the House, John Bercow, commented on the new approach: “I have to say I am a fan of the ruffs, and do admit that – as a completely outdated institution in a crumbling building – we might as well go the whole hog.

“Furthermore, I find the stricter marriage laws, customary to Tudor Court life, to be somewhat comforting for those concerned about any promiscuity developing between relatives.”

Other supporters of May’s reforms have said they “wish to remind the public the Tudors brought many great things: Shakespeare, defeating the Spanish, killing Scotland’s queen, and providing inflated drama in a hyper-Eastenders style.”

 

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About Ross Brannigan (32 Articles)
"Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on our own bottom" - Montaigne.

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  1. Theresa May’s cabinet play checkers to avoid Brexit implementation – The Daily Belter

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