There are doubts about whether the only bubonic plague victim in the US should be president, particularly when she also has herpes, caught when she used Bill's toothbrush.
Ms Sturgeon implied that Brexit is so cataclysmically destructive it will distort the space-time continuum and regress our universe a decade during a terrifying speech.
Theresa May ensured working conditions would be "satisfactory", but that for the good of the "all-seeing eye" it was necessary to move forward with the greater industrialisation of towns and cities to feed the British Empire.
Hammond said: "Sometimes we need a little helping hand getting over life's obstacles. We can repay this loan in three manageable steps; that's Wongability.”
Theresa May sided with the Antichrist, due to the rough beast possessing the “unifying spirit” and “ruthless abandon” necessary to bring Britain together.
The new PM referred to Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson as a "vegetable", dubbed Jeremy Corbyn a "complete imbecile", and snogged a man in a Ronald Reagan mask.
Mr Johnson only worsened his ordeal as he said he wanted to "simplify Syria", "tackle issues around the former Egypt" and "put the Shah back into Persia".
Temperatures are expected to exceed around 100,000,000C, with locals warned to wear plenty of sun tan lotion and hide in the bathtub with a mattress on top of them.
Once they're done yammering away, MPs will decide whether to renew the penis-shaped nuclear arsenal, scrap it and sell it to the North Koreans or dump it on the Welsh.
The Skynet mainframe acts as a deterrent to foreign threats at the point of cyborg-spearheaded annihilation, as well as keeping the population in line.
Today's survey showed that 64.2% of British people think that Mrs May should not not be able to continue unchecked, while 68.7% support the cessation of polls.
"It's grossly hypocritical for someone like me, who has publicly put such stock in family values and in opposing sexual deviancy, to then go and try and cheat on my wife with a human being."
It preceded a quick succession of movements in the Scottish Court, which saw Patrick Harvie crowned King of the Midge, and Alex Salmond proclaimed one of five Guardians of Scotland.
After an ugly exchange, Mrs May said: “YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF MY NUKES, HALF-PINT!”, to which Mrs Sturgeon defiantly replied: “Goan make me, soft shite.”
There was an almost whimsical feeling at Downing Street, the gloom lifted by the wry historical footnote that David Cameron gave a cat full blown aides.
The remarks came after Leadsom released a statement saying she was irate that a newspaper had reported exactly what she had said in a recorded interview.
The Daily Belter 