MPs to vote on renewal of Skynet defence system

The House of Commons will today hold a vote on whether the UK is to renew its Skynet defence programme, with inside sources suggesting a majority will back the retention and updating of the controversial system, thus bringing humanity closer to judgement day.

Prime Minister Theresa May told parliament yesterday that it would be “gross irresponsibility” to abandon the Skynet mainframe, which acts as a deterrent to foreign threats at the point of cyborg-spearheaded annihilation as well as keeping the population in line.

Mrs May added: “We cannot abandon our safety and our comfort out of idealism, which has no place in this awful reality we are presented with today, where everybody is an enemy and your only friend is yourself, though I’d recommend caution on that point too.”

The Labour Party, which is technically still the opposition despite polls forecasting a negative number of events at the next election, is divided on the subject of Skynet, with accidental leader Jeremy Corbyn opposed but most of his party thirsty for hypothetical and purely defensively-incurred blood due to a mass infiltration of Conservative cat’s paws.

Deputy leader Tom Watson told his peers yesterday that abstention would be unacceptable given the gravity of the issue, saying: “I don’t care if you can’t be bothered or you don’t know, whether we’re going to have the hunter-killers and the emotionless super-genius AI in charge or not, you have to say something, no pussyfooting.”

When asked to clarify what he meant by ‘pussyfooting’, Mr Watson quickly explained that it was an old word which specifically invokes feline behaviour, and is thus not offensive or sexist, yet when pressed said: “Fine, fine, we don’t have time for this – we need to vote, no more tergiversating.”

Mr Watson was then asked to tell MPs and journalists what he meant by this, and he visibly became flustered as he hastily rebutted: “No, no, no, I see what you’re thinking, I said tergiversating, not Turkiversating, Jesus Christ, it’s a word, it means the same thing as pussyfooting… Oh, for fuck’s sake, the world’s about to end, come on!”

Meanwhile, the SNP will reportedly uphold its zero-tolerance policy on mindless robots with plasma rifles and neutron bombs being allowed freedom to pillage in the event of minor national defence issues, with Nicola Sturgeon calling for the vote to be delayed while her “twenty good men” attempt to break into Skynet and “smash the grid”.

She said: “Of course, we’re a democratic party, and we’re not about to ignore a vote on this issue, even if the result of it does betray the Scottish people, but I’d be no kind of human being if I didn’t have a cheeky wee go at destroying the Frankenstein.”

David Coburn, the leader of UKIP in Scotland, said that he believes Skynet should be replaced by an AI defence network from rival discount brand Poundnet, but assured voters: “Even if we face total destruction, it’s a comfort to know that millions of others will be incinerated too”.

Skynet was created by American company Cyberdyne Systems and is used by the USA’s defence programme, going online on August 4^th 1997, and proved so successful at murdering foreigners across the sea without anyone important getting blood on them that it was exported to the UK.

Current CEO of Cyberdyne Donovan Andersetton was last year forced to deny rumours that the mostly autonomous system will inevitably turn on humanity, and that this eventuality has only been prevented by the brave efforts of a small resistance group and some plucky time travellers.

Andersetton said: “Sure, there’s stories, but that’s the easiest form of corporate espionage, and frankly I find this unfounded bigotry towards the robot community to be very distasteful.

“I mean, that might sound like a loaded accusation, but how else do you explain the position of these nutjobs? I’m certainly having a hard time with it.

“What other possible reason could you have for opposing a defence programme that not only wipes any potential hostile populations off the face of the earth, but sits on your own doorstep to remind you that leverage and duress towards global domination and bondage are what truly makes your country a modern success?”