Boris Johnson has pledged thousands of “healing camps” which will “get Britian done again” and create “a bloody lovely number of new jobby wobbies for Blighty wighty derba doo.”
A characteristically dishevelled and urine-scented Johnson was giving his first Downing Street speech since a remarkable election victory.
The Prime Minister acknowledged that there was a need to mend rifts and acrimonious political divides caused by a “toomtobbly dobbly dibbly tibbly Brexit shim,” but he claimed that he could “fix Aunt Sally’s Britannia” with his “brave new ideas” and “penultimate solutions.”
He said: “I have something for you, I have this, it’s a thing. We must heal as a nation, all of us people down there, all down there in the trenches together.
“I bring you healing camps, six million of them right across the country, from Hartlepool to och aye the Hebrides!
“This is how we really just, darn well get the job done. We get Brexit done, then we get the healing done to clear us of all the, flaff, all the piffle poffle about this tim tom tobbly, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-ee.
“Excellent camps, they heal you long time. They’ll create a bloody lovely number of new jobby wobbies for Blighty wighty derba doo, and give us that ruddy spirit, you know the one, Clement Atlee had nothing on this, this is derring done!
“Oh yes, Pete, druff. They’ll create a bloody lovely number of new jobs, the people, um, the sort of, erm. The sort of people, the people who, they nurse. They nurse people. They can work in the camps. We’ll have hundreds of thousands of guarding people too, we’ll need them.”
“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”
An increasingly purulent looking Johnson spent the next five minutes fighting for air and clubbing his hands against his back before continuing.
He thanked the public for “trusting old Bojo Baggins” and giving him a mandate to “get Britain done again, by all the means, by every means, by means means Heinz. Send old fleabag Jeremy in there first, get him healed. Heal them all.
“Heal them all!”