Advertisements
News Ticker

Cthulhu launches late bid for Conservative Party leadership

The Conservative leadership race took another twist this morning as it was announced by Downing Street’s press office that Cthulhu has put himself forward as a candidate.

Cthulhu, 303,780,015,334,200,103,456,102,040,001,050,112,901, missed the 30th June deadline set by the 1922 Committee, but a Conservative spokesperson said that they gave him an extension on the grounds that he is “massive and evil”.

The confirmation of cosmic entity Cthulhu’s candidacy followed much press speculation, irregular betting patterns and a tsunami which submerged the Isle of Wight early this morning, and makes him the sixth MP to contest the party’s leadership.

Though Mr Cthulu was unavailable for comment, campaign manager Neil Line told the media at a press conference that he has the “integrity, patience and maritime supremacy” required to protect the United Kingdom’s sovereignty in the wake of Brexit.

Line added: “In a time of great political uncertainty, a Great Old One such as Cthulhu will provide the inspiration and leadership required not just to lead the United Kingdom to a brighter economic future, but also to spearhead a terrible, terrible war against our blood enemies, the other.”

Mark Harper, Chief Whip of the Conservative Party, said on the subject: “I’ve been to see Cthulhu and I’m confident he fulfils the criteria expected of a potential leader of our party, ostrich farms gone milk white for the park, dogs and bigger dogs and that dread, oh but the dread, oh, oh, oh, oh!”

David Cameron was asked to comment on the development while leaving 10 Downing Street this morning covered in an infant’s blood, and remarked: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

Despite notably trenchant views on the subject of foreign policy, Cthulhu distanced himself from the recent referendum on EU membership, though it is understood by The Daily Belter that he would favour trade links with other European countries on an exclusively import basis.

Were he to succeed in his candidacy, Cthulhu would be the first colossal leviathan to lead the party since Harold MacMillan, whose tenure ended in November 1963.

Tory Leadership Banner

(L to R) Stephen Crabb, Cthulhu, Liam Fox, Michael Gove, Andrea Leadsom & Theresa May

Six Tory Candidates, Six Fun Facts

  1. Stephen Crabb is the only current MP who has two beards.
  2. Cthulhu is our master and we must serve him.
  3. Liam Fox once sneaked into a hen house and savaged seven chickens.
  4. Michael Gove stole the deed to his parents’ house on the day of his birth.
  5. Andrea Leadsom enjoys coffee but chooses not to drink it orally.
  6. Theresa May has type 1 diabetes, and thus cannot look at an eclair.
Advertisements
About Scott Malcolm Patterson (73 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

8 Comments on Cthulhu launches late bid for Conservative Party leadership

  1. Why choose the lesser of two evils?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. He has my vote!

    Like

  3. OKAY I guess I’ll be voting this year after all. PHEW. You had me worried there for a second big guy! Cthulhu fhtagn!!! The candidate we deserve. #thedreamsendhere #wakeup #literallyawakenplease #nolivesmatter #cthulhu2016

    Like

  4. Darth_Skippy // July 7, 2016 at 3:07 am // Reply

    Damn you Brits for stealing the only candidate to rule America when all shall be devoured!

    Like

  5. As ancient monsters themselves, I expect the Royal Family to approve.

    Like

  6. Carlos Fandango // July 8, 2016 at 6:05 am // Reply

    Ah, finally…a moderate candidate.

    Like

  7. TheGreatOne // July 8, 2016 at 7:47 am // Reply

    The voice of reason

    Like

  8. Reblogged this on The Greater Fool and commented:
    Satire, or is it?

    Like

1 Trackback / Pingback

  1. UK set for hottest day of year as Trident update malfunctions – The Daily Belter

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: