UK set for hottest day of year as Trident update malfunctions

Citizens of the United Kingdom are bracing themselves for blistering heat as forecasts show today will be the hottest day of the year, and potentially in recorded history, with meteorologists citing a catastrophic malfunction during the updating of Trident nuclear warheads as the principal cause.

Temperatures are expected to exceed around 100,000,000C (180,000,032F) in Argyll and Dumbartsonshire, areas surrounding the Faslane site, with locals warned to dress light, wear plenty of sun tan lotion and hide in the bathtub with a mattress on top of them.

The highest recorded temperature in the UK – 102,089,870C – came on 25^th June 1989 when the then Conservative government under Margaret Thatcher fired ballistic nuclear weapons at a rampaging Cthulhu off the coast of Devon, only to come to their senses and realise that Cthulhu isn’t just our friend, he’s our master.

But despite concerns that the “technical glitch” in the nation’s nuclear arsenal will lead to widespread immolation, irradiation and post-apocalypse, Ministry of Defence spokesman Lionel Proops was quick to play down what he described as “typical hippie SNP hysteria”.

Proops, who began as a janitor at the MoD’s Whitehall headquarters only to work his way up in a classic case of meritocratic madness, told worried journalists: “This is nothing more than namby pamby politicians and carpet baggers trying to get a cheap vote turning a tall tale.

“Yes, we’ve had some minor technical glitches and snaffoos getting the warheads up and running, but that’s par to the course, anyone whose ever bought a new coffee machine will understand, these naysayers need to grow up. That said, if you have a hazmat suit, wear it.”

This view was backed by Dr Marley Bone, head of the Extreme Events department at the Public Institution for Scottish Health (PISH), who said: “Most of the advice on beating the nuclear fallout is common sense, and anybody who can run really fast, and doesn’t mind being a mutant or having their face fall off will be fine.”

Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage was less helpful with his view, taking to Twitter to declare: “Well, this is exactly what I talked about. Send radium over Hadrian’s Wall and they use it all up. Now they’re crying over spilt milk they stole. #FinallyWarmInScotland”.

This sentiment was echoed by UKIP leader in Scotland David Coburn, who re-tweeted Farage’s message, then added his own saying: “Hearing whinging that children & elderly will die in nuclear fire. Need to review Faslane hiring policy under SNP if they have kids & oldies on site. #PCgoneMad”.

Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale was more optimistic, however, tweeting: “Lot of negativity, but a whole bunch of Scottish jobs just opened up! Plus a load of new ones peeling ex-employees off of walls. #RealCellularChange.”

The House of Commons only approved the renewal of the Trident programme yesterday, by a vote of 472 to 117, but Prime Minister Theresa May was said to be ravenously impatient to begin the updating process, reportedly telling the MoD: “I need them now! Now! NOW!”

No official statement has been made by the MoD or the government regarding the specifics of the “catastrophic malfunction”, but experts have told The Daily Belter that the resultant loss of life and casting of permanent shadows on pavements would indicate an accidental detonation.

Early rumours suggested that a workman carrying one of the new nuclear missiles on to the submarine became dizzy and disorientated due to breakfasting at a Harvester, and stumbled backwards into a launch button with his big fat arse, with the torpedo tubes aimed at a nearby ice cream truck giving ecstasy secreted in strawberry swirls to small, often adorable children.

But whatever the cause, it’s fair to say that staying in the shade might not be enough for you to get through the heat today, as chances are the shade will house a toxic soup, while one has to wonder how you can apply the lotion when you don’t have a skin.