I would love to kill lots of children at once, Theresa May confesses to Commons

As MPs continue to debate the virtues of the Skynet defence system, Theresa May has today told the Commons that she’s always wanted to kill lots of children, adding that she would prefer to do all the murdering at the same time for minimal fuss.

“It’s just always sounded so me,” she told the House, during heated exchanges with a man called Jeremy Corbyn who apparently wouldn’t get off the mic.

Once they’re done yammering away, MPs will decide whether to renew the penis-shaped nuclear arsenal, scrap it and sell it to the North Koreans or dump it on the Welsh.

The new Prime Minister said earlier that refusing to renew the weapons system would be “completely irresponsible” and “hippyish”, and called the deterrent “the ultimate insurance policy”, adding that it made companies like Aviva and Direct Line look like “rip-off merchants”.

Asked by an SNP MP if she would happily incinerate hundreds of thousands of civilians in a fiery ball of death with a smile on her lips and a twinkle in her eye, May replied: “Yes – and don’t forget the spring in my step and the laughter in my heart.”

She continued: “Of course, it would make fuck all sense to have a deterrent that I wasn’t willing to use, so on that basis alone I’m up for it – but let me make one thing clear.

“The only reason I’ve not already killed lots of children is that Cameron was a big wimp and wouldn’t let me do anything fun because it might have made us look bad.

“I’ve killed a few, of course, but it would be much easier to just have a big button where you could kill lots at once, wouldn’t it?”

The man known as Jeremy Corbyn rose to angrily respond: “That is completely unjustified and repugnant, Mr Speaker, and absolutely not what we came here to talk about, which my esteemed colleague Jeremy Corbyn has told me is, I believe, soil erosion?”