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Parties take sides as lightning storms confirm Second Coming

Scotland was hit by ferocious lightning storms and deafening thunder today, in what experts have described as the first sequence of events that mark the Second Coming of Jesus Christ and his precursor and nemesis, the Antichrist, sparking a frantic bandying for positions amongst the major political parties prior to the endgame.

Recent events such as the renewal of Trident, the United Kingdom’s vote to leave the European Union, and Boris Johnson becoming fucking foreign secretary have apparently brought on this prophesied event, which is expected to begin once Donald Trump becomes fucking President.

Darkness fell and torrential downpours cast most of Scotland into a sea of uncertainty and confusion just hours after the country had enjoyed its hottest day of the year, while hailstones the size of marbles and lightning which struck church towers foreshadowed the war to come.

Jason Countenance, spokesperson for the Met Office, told The Daily Belter: “We did expect some quite spectacular weather patterns north of the border today, but it seems we underestimated by quite some way, since the meteorological signs all point to a coming apocalyptic war and judgement day.”

It is understood that this storm, along with the deliverance of the seven seals that secure the scroll which have been secreted by the Data Protection Act, serves as a formal announcement of the Messiah’s intention to make a dramatic return to the corporeal realm, though He didn’t make a statement nor accept press questions, meaning there is uncertainty over his official position.

Likewise, there was no word from official channels regarding his necessary counterpart the Antichrist, who is widely expected to seize control of the earth’s mortal kingdoms and bring upon them sin and depravity in a tyrannous administration of evil until the Messiah defeats him, either on the field of the greatest battle ever known to man or in a more conventional leadership contest.

Moderator for the Church of Scotland the Right Reverend Dr James O’Dare explained that much of this ambiguity is “due to a lack of literal clarification within the holy book”, which has led many to suggest that neither the Antichrist’s or the Messiah’s claim to rule should be recognised under law.


The downpours were reported to be God’s tears, after He accidentally read spoilers about the endgame.

Political parties have been quick to react to this news, aligning themselves to take up allegiances with both spectral beings, with Theresa May announcing that she will be siding with the Antichrist due to the rough beast possessing the “unifying spirit” and “ruthless abandon” necessary to bring Britain together, while warning the public that “there won’t be any food banks in heaven”.

Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson has also backed the Antichrist and made clear her disregard for the Messiah, who she said “carried the Father’s legacy” which she argued was incompatible with the LGBT community and feminist ideology, while she also added that there were “rich opportunities for Scottish jobs” in the Antichrist’s army of the damned.

Meanwhile, the Labour party distanced themselves from an anticipated coalescence with the Messiah, despite rumours suggesting that Owen Smith was in fact a stooge who was being used as a placeholder until our Lord and Saviour arrived to lead the party back into government, since He appears to be the only one capable of the task.

Jeremy Corbyn said that allegations about the Messiah’s “Islamaphobic tendencies” and “anti-socialist beliefs” would have to be investigated before any kind of loyalty could be decided, though he was challenged by Mr Smith, who told him to “grow up” and take the “grown-up” option of backing the demon seed.

So far, only the Greens have indicated any support for the Second Coming of Jesus, with Natalie Bennett admitting that He was “the preferred option”, due to His policy of judgement, resurrection and the ultimate ascension of all from the earth to the Heavens being “the best prospect for a cleaner world, one without us”.

UKIP’s deputy leader and current interim head Paul Nuttall said that he was waiting for a more “economically sensible” option to appear before deciding on a course of action, while the SNP’s Nicola Sturgeon insisted that the coming apocalyptic endgame “merely enhanced the validity” of her party’s “sovereign leadership and the need for independence”.

Those who see the Messiah and the Antichrist, not to mention their final battle, as a significant factor in a coming General Election shouldn’t be quite so short-sighted though, according to Dr O’Dare, who told us: “Whoever wins the battle, there won’t be a hand to vote with.”

About Scott Malcolm Patterson (83 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

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