There are doubts about whether the only bubonic plague victim in the US should be president, particularly when she also has herpes, caught when she used Bill's toothbrush.
Ms Sturgeon implied that Brexit is so cataclysmically destructive it will distort the space-time continuum and regress our universe a decade during a terrifying speech.
Olav was given to the Norwegian army, as part of a tradition of donating the country's best and brightest to our Norse masters, a throwback to the Viking era.
Maternity grants will be renamed 'best start grants' and funeral payments will be called 'best ending grants' to make people feel better about needing them.
Murphy refused to clarify whether he'd interviewed for any jobs, saying that he'd “love to go over that” with us then continually refusing to address the point.
Theresa May sided with the Antichrist, due to the rough beast possessing the “unifying spirit” and “ruthless abandon” necessary to bring Britain together.
It comes hot on the heels of comments by Sir Nicholas Macpherson, former Treasury economist and indy opponent, who said last week: "If I were Scotland, I'd be like, 'fuck it'."
The Skynet mainframe acts as a deterrent to foreign threats at the point of cyborg-spearheaded annihilation, as well as keeping the population in line.
It preceded a quick succession of movements in the Scottish Court, which saw Patrick Harvie crowned King of the Midge, and Alex Salmond proclaimed one of five Guardians of Scotland.
After an ugly exchange, Mrs May said: “YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF MY NUKES, HALF-PINT!”, to which Mrs Sturgeon defiantly replied: “Goan make me, soft shite.”
Four party leaders from the UK have teamed up in a blockbuster movie, which will see the leaders battling against the dusty ghouls of the establishment.
Following a blonde-haired mad person's decision to blow up the Southron government and economy for no real reason, the North are preparing to raise their banners in defiance.
The Daily Belter 