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Violence expected at Sturgeon-May meeting according to senior leak

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon will meet new Prime Minister Theresa May in Edinburgh on Friday, but hopes that the meeting would be amicable were quashed by photographic evidence suggesting the two will have a fight.

It was announced earlier this evening that the pair would be meeting to discuss the prospect of a second independence referendum, with an official statement from First Minister Sturgeon stating that she was hoping for a constructive relationship between the two.

However, images of a Facebook Messenger conversation between Mrs May and Mrs Sturgeon that took place across Wednesday afternoon and evening given to The Daily Belter by a senior insider at Holyrood indicate that Mrs Sturgeon was far from harmonious in response to Mrs May becoming leader of the Conservative Party.

She wrote a private message to Mrs May saying: “You better have Scotland’s interests being protected at the top of that list of yours or we’ll be having three PMs in a week.”

Mrs May replied an hour later, according to the visual record, writing: “You better mean private message when you say PMs you little teapot. Not having some little Nessie talking down to me from the back of a Highland cow.”

The exchange became more punctual at this stage, with Mrs Sturgeon replying just three minutes later: “I’m only three inches shorter than you, tho (sic) I’m no about to complain about being called a teapot from somebody who looks like they taste of an ashtray after a sailor pissed in it.”

In short order, Mrs May rebutted this claim by saying: “Hardly going to cry my eyes out having my appearance critiqued by Janette Krankie; with the Queen just now and she’s been reigning for longer than you’ve been alive, and her knee cap looks nicer than your whatever-that-is-for-a-face.”

May & Sturgeon 2

Mrs Sturgeon was once heard calling Mrs May “the untalented fourth Bee Gee”.

Despite her strong position on peaceful conflict resolution, which includes the disarmament of the Trident nuclear program, Sturgeon was rather abrasive in replying: “Oh, go and make a coat out of those poor dalmatians you stuck up cunt, got better things to do with my time than swap small talk with the Queen of the post-apocalypse.”

After an ugly exchange that we couldn’t fully report on, Mrs May wrote: “YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF MY NUKES, HALF-PINT!”, to which Mrs Sturgeon defiantly replied :“Goan make me, soft shite.”

At this stage, Mrs May committed to this informal invitation, saying: “Fine, I will. Is Saturday good? Still need to get spare keys from Disco Dave.”

Mrs Sturgeon replied: “Cluck, cluck, cluck”, and so Mrs May altered her strategy by riposting: “Fine, tomorrow then, I’ll be there with bells on, bells I’m going to beat your head with till you finally have a haircut post-1973.”

In response to this, Mrs Sturgeon ceased the conversation by writing: “It’s a date then, the only austerity you’ll ever get to put out there is when you get aggro with the dentist about what new teeth you want putting in. See you in the real capital, Cersei.”

This proved to be the last exchange, as Mrs May promptly blocked Mrs Sturgeon and began making travel arrangements, thus casting further doubts on the likelihood of a happy British partnership.

About Scott Malcolm Patterson (83 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

1 Comment on Violence expected at Sturgeon-May meeting according to senior leak

  1. I’ve been saying for years the only way to resolve complex constitutional issues is by flinging abuse on social media.
    And you should get a plaster on that head wound, by the way.


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