Scotland’s place in EU to be decided by second Battle of Bannockburn

Scotland’s future inside the European Union is to be decided by a re-run of the Battle of Bannockburn, as announced by the First Minister following her first parley with Theresa May.

The announcement was made after crisis talks between Nicola Sturgeon and newly crowned Prime Minister May, after Scotland voted to keep its banners stationed within the EU territory.

It preceded a quick succession of movements in the Scottish Court, which saw Patrick Harvie crowned King of the Midge, and Alex Salmond proclaimed one of five Guardians of Scotland.

The other four to join Salmond are Alistair Darling (who has switched sides in a classic Robert the Bruce-style act of sycophancy), Sean Connery, a man in a Tunnock’s Tea Cake outfit from the Commonwealth Games, and Oor Wullie.

Harvie, speaking after his coronation, said: “The midge people have given me a high order, and helped to secure the constitutional crisis in the West.

“New pine forests and a fresh supply of shitty summer weather have built confidence within the midge community in my ability to lead. Should that wonk Donald Trump visit Scotland again, he better visit the West.

“The pain we will cause.”

The PM and FM could not come to an agreement as to whether Scotland should be given access to FM, AM, or DAB radio, and so the PM and the FM concluded they would meet in battle at Bannockburn – whether that will be at 5AM or 5PM remains to be seen.

Sturgeon, after the meeting, said: “It was like meeting my grandmother. I refused her gift of a stuffed Highland Cow – which I got for Christmas when I was, like, five – and she refused my gift of a sacrificial goat.

“Plus, her taste in coffee is awful.”

It is understood Theresa May has called upon Boris Johnson to rally the forces, but the blonde-haired Colonel Custard – as he is titled – confessed of an ingrained fear of the word “boo.”

He said: “I – I fear that – in keeping with the tradition of such things and parties and whatnot – the enemy will more likely than not jeer and boo at our forces.

“After my first speech as Foreign Secretary – a good title, I feel, as I am very good at keeping secrets – I was booed onstage, and I went into a cold sweat again.”