First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is now so popular among Scottish voters that she just gave the Facebook page of Jesus Christ a “pity-like”, in a major boost for the Kirk.
A new YouGov poll has put her approval ratings at +34 – making her more popular than Irn Bru, Dominos, the cool guy at school and backrubs – and has led to multiple suicides among Daily Express headline-writers.
The First Minister is seen to have done a decent job since Brexit in negotiating the tightrope between pretending she maybe doesn’t want independence right this second to wary unionists while making clear to her supporters that she actually totally does.
Jesus Christ, meanwhile, is considered by many to have done a fairly rubbish job all round since pretty much forever, but has seen his Facebook likes and Twitter followers especially plummet in recent weeks among mainland Europeans, ever since “This terrorist attack, eh” took over from “This weather, eh” as the most commonly-uttered phrase.
Indeed, the beleaguered Mr Christ has been seeing his stock fall for months, since his dad started killing off all the good guys earlier this year, like David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman and Hodor, leading many to accuse God of having jumped the shark.
Sturgeon’s social media endorsement was a welcome boon to Mr Christ, who remarked he had been “struggling for something to feel cheerful about”.
The First Minister liked Mr Christ on Facebook and subsequently followed him on Twitter, tweeting him directly to say: ‘Hi jesus, loved u in the passion’. A source close to Ms Sturgeon confirmed she was “just feeling a bit sorry for the wee lamb”.
Her endorsement of Mr Christ also cheered the Church of Scotland, whose membership has been flagging to such an extent that earlier this year it was reported they were considering introducing online baptisms, although there were fears that people might drown in particularly deep web.