RBS vows to be ‘even more based in London’ if Scotland becomes independent

RBS chief executive and Sheriff of Nottingham Mr Tunnocks the Monopoly Guy has said that if Scotland holds a second independence referendum it would consider moving its headquarters to the place it already does 98.375% of its business.

In a blow to Nicola Sturgeon, who has been agitating for a second independence referendum ever since the first EU referendum like a crazed drug addict, the RBS boss threatened to “change all the letterheads and plaques” and even mooted the possibility of shortening the bank’s name to just “Roy”.

It comes after recent European stress tests showed that RBS were “woefully unprepared for even a semi-crisis, like an expensive wedding or a major Hollywood flop”.

Speaking to reporters from his bed of money, Tunnocks said: “Taxpayers have put a lot of faith in us not to lose any more of their money than we already just did a few minutes ago, and the minutes before that, and this morning, and yesterday.

“The last thing the financial sector needs is more uncertainty. We are witnessing just how much uncertainty there has been since Brexit. I’m not even certain I should be saying this. Can you ever really be certain of anything?

“But if I’m certain of anything – and I’m not – it’s that I don’t actually like Scotland very much, and certainly not Edinburgh. Too many tourists this time of year. The last thing Scotland needs is more power and responsibility. We’re Scottish, and look at us.

“Do any of you want to try doing a cash angel? WEEEEEEEE.”

Mr Tunnocks the Monopoly Guy, whose gooey essence is 73% owned by the taxpayer, has had a hard time of it since Brexit, which has seen RBS shares get hit repeatedly with a massive cricket bat made of lead, wielded by a giant.

Taxpayers have been furious at RBS after part of their stake was sold at a loss of £13 billion earlier this year by the government, so to get back at them all they voted on June 23 to royally fist the entire economy.