Scottish security fears after penguin transfer leaves country defenceless

There are fears over Scotland’s security after the decision to transfer penguin Brigadier Nils Olav to the King of Norway’s Guard left the country virtually defenceless to attacks by land and sea, prompting Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson to call for Nicola Sturgeon’s resignation or militarisation.

Olav was given to the Hans Majestet Kongens Garde, an elite counter-terrorist wing of the Norwegian army, in a ceremony at Edinburgh Castle yesterday as part of a tradition of donating the country’s best and brightest soldiers to our Norse masters, a throwback to the Viking era.

However, due to recent cuts within the British army, this measure has left the country without a stable or recognisable military defence or deterrent, with only twenty “reasonable at best” men left at barracks in Ruthven and both Cthulhu and the Gargunnock not posing a “reliable presence on our mortal coil”.

These cuts began under the current Conservative government in 2010, which has seen the size of the ‘regular’ contingent drop from 100,000 to under 88,000, with the bulk of the nation’s armed forces now comprising reservists, territorial army recruits and a prestigious legion of badgers formed from those wily enough to survive annual culls.

And of those within the armed forces, estimated to be just under 150,000 overall, the vast majority are stationed abroad in key strategic locations such as Belize, Burundi and Ibiza, with only seventy of the 40,000 domestic contingent based in Scotland, due to downsizing in the immediate aftermath of the Scottish Independence referendum.

Despite being a part of the party responsible for said measure – which then Prime Minister David Cameron denied was a punishment but noted was “something to think about” – Ms Davidson has been quick to apportion blame for the shortfall created by Brigadier Olav’s careerist disloyalty.

She said: “Unfortunately, we in Scotland are living under the yoke of a government who will happily put their dreams ahead of your security, even when those dreams aren’t shared by the electorate they’re supposed to represent. They wanted to get rid of Trident, our first line of defence, and now the SNP have happily tossed our second line to the Lochlannachs.

“If Nicola Sturgeon really wants to fulfil her brief, and to put her money where her mouth is in terms of keeping our country safe, she either needs to step aside and make way for someone who has the mettle needed, or else allow herself to be turned into a cyborg with heat seeking missile launchers on her arms and an EMP pulse she can spit up.”

Other Scottish politicians have followed suit, with UKIP’s David Coburn claiming that Mrs Sturgeon was “happily handing Scotland over to the Daesh” and Kezia Dugdale tweeting “Funny how wee Nicky talks big about loving her country but won’t do her all to serve it and defend it. Loving Colorado, BTW. Hot dog for breakfast. #Freedom”.

But Mrs Sturgeon and her party were equally swift in responding to events, as the First Minister told the press that Olav’s transfer was “putting principle over pragmatism”, then noting that: “If anything, the Prime Minister should be militarised rather than me, that way M.A.Y. could be acronym standing for Military Assault Yunit.”