Theresa May must face EU nations in armed combat to prove Britain can survive without the union, a spokesman from Brussels has said.
Klaus Oberhaus, head of the European Union Gladiatorial Combat Department, has said that the new British PM must show that Britain has the strength, intelligence, and knife skills necessary to survive in a global marketplace.
In a statement last night, Mr. Oberhaus stated that “Mrs May must face a champion from each of the member states of the European Union in armed combat. Each champion shall be proficient in a number of fighting styles, which shall reflect the diverse and rich culture of the continent.
“The United Kingdom is in a financially and politically weak position at present; if they wish to survive without the safety net of the EU, they must prove that they are capable of handling themselves.”
The idea is believed to have originated during a showing of The Hunger Games at the annual EU Movie Night, the attendance of which is mandatory for all heads of state within the union.
The announcement has been met with general approval in Westminster, with many Tory MP’s showing support for their new leader.
“Theresa’s a strong woman; she once kicked a giraffe to death while on safari,” says Selena Babcombe, MP for the district of Lifington-on-Rye. “There is no doubt in my mind that she’ll show those continental types whose boss.”
At present, no date has been set for the fight. However, the construction of a spectacular arena off the coast of Italy has already begun.
The structure, tentatively named LightningDome, is said to have a capacity of 60,000, and comes with booby traps and lion cages pre-installed.
Mrs May has yet to make an official statement on the matter, but sources close to the PM state that she has been overheard to remark that she’s been “preparing for years” for just such an event.
The sources refused to elaborate on the exact nature of Mrs May’s preparations, but it is thought cute woodland animals which are now dead were involved.