David Cameron was this afternoon serenaded by a heartfelt rendition of the classic song “Doo, Doo, Doo Doo” performed by his fellow politicians during his jovial and emotional final Prime Minister’s Questions, with Speaker of the House John Bercow suspending the normal ‘no singing rule’.
The standing ovation and sing-along followed a Commons session filled with memorable moments as Cameron stood before his peers for the final time before attending Buckingham Palace to offer his resignation to the Queen, where he is widely expected to be melted down into scrap butter.
Cameron, who will be replaced as Prime Minister by Theresa May, began proceedings by joking that he “was the future once, and then I became the present, and now I’ll become the past, which isn’t actually that funny really, more existentially depressing – everything dies”.
He quickly overcame the melancholic silence that fell over the chamber by telling everybody about his cat Larry, and the assembled politicians quickly moved to hide their boredom as he produced a photo and told them how “funny and humanlike” he was, and how he understands what people say to him.
It was at this stage that Mrs May produced a goodbye card and box of Thornton’s chocolates that her party had “all chipped in for”, with Cameron joking that that he’d “turn into a box of chocolates” if he wasn’t careful, to which the SNP’s Angus Robertson was heard to remark “you’d have a use then, ye cunt”.
Once the initial speeches were concluded, the questions began, with Robertson heavily implying that Cameron was responsible for the Srebenica massacre and questioning the Prime Minister’s record on Scotland, and Cameron riposting that he had created 157,000 new jobs working in food banks, before taking credit for Andy Murray’s tennis victories.
Cameron made further jokes at the expense of the Labour party’s leadership contest, noting that his own party were able to “ruin the country” in a week while the opposition “couldn’t ruin their own infrastructure after two”.
Jeremy Corbyn referenced advice that Cameron had given Mr Corbyn’s mother on the subject of late termination of pregnancy (TOP), to which Cameron replied that she “clearly didn’t take that advice”, before he went on to claim that Corbyn reminded him of the dark knight from The Dark Knight Rises, saying “everybody hates your voice, your beard’s ugly, your comebacks are shit and I want a burly bald bloke to break your back”.
At the end of the questions, Cameron gave a final speech in which he said his diary was now light after the decision to resign, and that he’d miss the roar of the lions set upon unsuspecting pleb prisoners in the hidden Masonic chamber below the Commons’ floor.
He was then subjected to a standing ovation from his party, who began to sing “Doo, Doo, Doo Doo” in scenes reminiscent of that bit in Casablanca where French people start singing and that.
Cameron will leave 10 Downing Street for the final time later this afternoon, as it has already been announced that Mrs May hates him, that he actually smells of pork rinds and that he won’t be welcome in the house again “after what he did to Larry”.