A leaked honours list drawn up by giant cumquat and former prime minister David Cameron has revealed his plans to give some kind of honour to pretty much everyone, but definitely not you.
Once they're done yammering away, MPs will decide whether to renew the penis-shaped nuclear arsenal, scrap it and sell it to the North Koreans or dump it on the Welsh.
Journalists have sought to reassure members of the public that they are no happier with the situation than they are, but most can no longer speak in complete sentences due to sleep deprivation.
There was an almost whimsical feeling at Downing Street, the gloom lifted by the wry historical footnote that David Cameron gave a cat full blown aides.
Cthulhu's campaign manager told the media at a press conference that he has the “integrity, patience and maritime supremacy” required to protect the United Kingdom's sovereignty.
Johnson has been tipped as a potential successor to Cameron as PM, which some feel might be Cameron's payment for BoJo turning the Leave campaign into a Plantagenet family reunion.
The PM, who is under pressure to resign following the news he holds shares in an offshore account, said he had been approached by the stricken club, who currently face relegation.
A huge leak of confidential information from offshore law firm and vintage port vineyard, Mossack Fonseca, has stunned the world, revealing that many of the globe’s financial and political elite are robbing bastards squirreling away billions like squirrels with nuts.
The Daily Belter 