‘What the fuck is it now?’ World asks news

“What the fuck is it this time?” a groaning world has asked as their smartphones continue to light up with updates of seismic global ramifications from their breaking news apps.

The news today, whatever it was, was probably pretty bad, and the world is growing ever more tired of the breakneck pace at which horror and confusion is piling upon horror and confusion.

One member of the public, Joe from Bathgate, said it best: “I’m horrified – and confused.”

Joe continued: “Turkey, Brexit, Nice, Islamic State – and I mean, can I even call them Islamic anymore? David Bowie, Chilcot, Cameron resigns, we thought Boris was gone, but then he wasn’t, indyref2? I have no fucking clue.

“And what the fuck is a ‘coup’? I feel like I’m just expected to know that somehow.”

He tailed off from his oddly poetic diatribe before walking straight onto the train-tracks, not realising that his train had been cancelled due to the ScotRail strikes.

Journalists have sought to reassure members of the public that they are no happier with the situation than they are, but most can no longer speak in complete sentences due to sleep deprivation.

As one staffer at the BBC World Breaking News Department told The Daily Belter: “It… just… won’t… won’t…”

“Stop?” we suggested.

“Yes, stop, that’s… what… I… I…”

“Meant?” we replied.

“Yes, meant, that’s what… I … was … going to …”

“Say?” we responded.

The conversation continued like this at length.

Citizens of Earth are so sick of hearing about another really shit thing that has happened that they have become addicted to augmented-reality game Pokemon Go, which is a shame, as that was exactly what the shadowy forces that run all of our lives wanted us to do.