David Cameron preparing knighthoods for school pals and drinking buddies

A leaked honours list drawn up by giant cumquat and former prime minister David Cameron has revealed plans to give some kind of honour to pretty much everyone he has ever met, but definitely not including you.

The list shows that Cameron has applied to reward 1,398 Tory donors (which is also the same number as all of them), all his personal aides, everyone who supported the campaign to keep Britain inside the EU, most of his former Cabinet, that guy Ed who runs the hardware store, all of his former school pals and drinking buddies, the midwife who pulled Mr Cameron from his mother squalling, the majority of foxhounds, Terry Venables, a mirror, a cricket bat and a pig. And the cat.

When asked by reporters if he was guilty of cronyism, the former PM replied: “Hogwash. Or should I say, bogwash. That’s what me and my cronies will do to you if you continue with this line of enquiry.”

George Osborne, the former chancellor and now Downing Street gimp after Theresa May sacked and fucked Michael Gove in what sources called a “classic Tory sack and fuck”, will reportedly become a Companion of Honour, which a Cameron insider – currently inside Cameron at the time of writing – says will take he and Osborne’s previously only “casually sexual” relationship to the next level.

The reward recognises services of “national importance” and was created by George V in 1917 because of a brilliant blowjob he had got from an adviser.

Current holders of the exclusive title include Stephen Hawking, Sir John Major, Desmond Tutu and Dame Maggie Smith, although in the case of Mr Hawking the services were only sexting.

Michael Gove has reportedly been expectantly looking up at Mr Cameron while on his knees in what the Cameron insider has called an “alluring retinal plea”, but commentators generally agree the most likely outcome for the former justice secretary is another sack and fuck, which will be Gove’s fourth in what has been an already punishing year.