Everyone who shat all over the house will be in my government, May reassures country

Everyone who shat all over the house, bogwashed your great-aunt, set fire to the curtains and was sick in your dinner is to be given Cabinet jobs, Theresa May has assured voters.

May was installed as Prime Minister earlier today, and spoke outside Downing Street of her plans to heal the wounds between Scotland and the rest of the UK – but warned that humans and dalmatians could never co-exist peacefully.

She added that most of the Cabinet jobs were being given out as punishment for past indiscretions and poor performance in Government.

A Westminster insider told The Daily Belter: “It’s brutal. No-one has come out of that room looking anything other than broken.”

Boris Johnson has been given the crucial Foreign Office brief, despite the fact that he couldn’t negotiate a food order in an Irish gastropub, while Philip Hammond has replaced George Osborne as the creepy guy in charge of the money.

Some backbenchers are already referring to Boris Johnson as the “comeback kid”, on account of him reportedly ejaculating on the back of a baby goat as part of a hazing ritual and show of loyalty to the new Prime Minister.

Andrea Leadsom has been appointed Minister for Mothers, and in addition Stephen Crabb will serve as Cabinet secretary for Telecommunications.

Meanwhile, Cthulhu has been made Master of Ships and has already eaten Roy Hodgson, who was briefly appointed Defence Secretary.

Your racist grandmother will be Minister for Equalities, and Chris Evans will take the Culture brief.

Michael Gove will simply be kept alive for a period of up to twelve years to think about what he’s done.

George Osborne was sent to Siberia through a trap-door after foolishly taking three steps to the left when asked.

Pokemon Go will be installed in every home, with no chance of escape.

There is no hope. Run. Run away.

It’s over.

My heart.