Boris Johnson – The Daily Belter

Raab hails ‘superb record-keeping’ as UK ‘tops coronavirus deaths table’

Raab dismissed “unfair” statistical comparisons to other European countries, since “we cannot trust their smelly figures."

May 5, 2020

Johnson pledges new ‘healing camps’ to ‘make Britain done again’

A characteristically dishevelled and urine-scented Johnson was giving his first speech since election victory.

December 14, 2019

Rees Mogg claims he “wouldn’t have left trench” in WWI

He said he would have insisted on a new strategy to locate a young Adolf Hitler and extirpate him.

November 11, 2019

Desiccated corpse of Oliver Cromwell made Scottish Secretary

Dominic Raab is Defence Secretary due to his “geography and geo, Geovanni Da Vinci, geo-political hubbaballoo”.

July 24, 2019

PM Boris Johnson calls for ‘wibbly bibbly’ spirit

Mr Johnson did not take any press questions, and raced away in the direction of Downing Street on a large milk float with his face painted on it.

July 24, 2019

Jeremy Hunt begs Ruth Davidson to withdraw endorsement

In an emotional plea to the Scottish Tory leader, Hunt said he 'has a family'.

June 27, 2019

‘Brexit’ to officially become a breakfast cereal

The manufactures have hinted there will be goodies inside some boxes, but that a guarantee for EU nationals will not feature in these free giveaways.

September 11, 2016

Theresa May’s cabinet play checkers to avoid Brexit implementation

Claims made would suggest the government as a whole are dragging their heels, problematic given that the UK import their heels from Belgium.

August 31, 2016

Parties take sides as lightning storms confirm Second Coming

Theresa May sided with the Antichrist, due to the rough beast possessing the “unifying spirit” and “ruthless abandon” necessary to bring Britain together.

July 20, 2016

Theresa May appears at first PMQs in Margaret Thatcher Spitting Image mask

The new PM referred to Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson as a "vegetable", dubbed Jeremy Corbyn a "complete imbecile", and snogged a man in a Ronald Reagan mask.

July 20, 2016

New Foreign Secretary Johnson ‘too busy’ to stop being an arsehole

Mr Johnson only worsened his ordeal as he said he wanted to "simplify Syria", "tackle issues around the former Egypt" and "put the Shah back into Persia".

July 20, 2016

Britons opposed to poll on referendum on referendum on Brexit referendum, poll shows

Today's survey showed that 64.2% of British people think that Mrs May should not not be able to continue unchecked, while 68.7% support the cessation of polls.

July 17, 2016

Johnson ‘looking forward to visiting the old colonies’ as Foreign Secretary

Johnson said that he's “looking forward to visiting the old colonies” and “seeing how the Kanakas have fared”.

July 14, 2016

Everyone who shat all over the house will be in my government, May reassures country

Boris Johnson has been given the crucial Foreign Office brief, despite the fact that he couldn't negotiate a food order in an Irish gastropub.

July 13, 2016

Andrea Leadsom: ‘As a mother, I can assure you, I am a mother. Mother.’

In a coded reference to fellow candidate, Home Secretary Theresa May, Ms Leadsom added: "Theresa May isn't a mother."

July 5, 2016

Rupert Murdoch ‘inconsolable’ that his best friends have fallen out

The media tycoon apparently can't stop weeping now his besties Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are at each other's throats.

June 30, 2016

REVEALED: Cameron positioned BoJo to sabotage Vote Leave

Johnson has been tipped as a potential successor to Cameron as PM, which some feel might be Cameron's payment for BoJo turning the Leave campaign into a Plantagenet family reunion.

May 17, 2016