Johnson ‘looking forward to visiting the old colonies’ as Foreign Secretary

Newly appointed Foreign Secretary and former Mayor of London Boris Johnson has said that he’s “very humbled and proud” to be offered the position, and added that he’s “looking forward to visiting the old colonies” and “seeing how the Kanakas have fared”.

The positioning of Johnson within Theresa May’s new cabinet was one of the biggest surprises of yesterday’s announcements, and has caused some consternation given past faux pas, including insulting Turkish President Recep Erdogan through a bawdy limerick, supporting Syria’s Bashar al-Assad and retaining up to fifty indentured Chinese servants at his Devon cockle farm.

The decision also worried some in Scotland, due to Mr Johnson recently remarking on talk of a second independence referendum by saying: “Tuh tuh, I hear, uh, I hear the subalterns in the Highlands were beaten at Culloden by sword and not musket, so I think a gunship or two would do the trick, if they act up. Adumph.”

However, both Mrs May and Mr Johnson were in defiant mood as they discussed the appointment, with the Prime Minister defending Mr Johnson’s record and saying he was “absolutely the best man-shaped biped for the job”, and Mr Johnson himself adding that “the criticism is just fear showing through, nothing more”.

He went on to say: “For the longest, buh wuh, time it was all just ‘Rule Britannia, Britannia rule them all’ and us getting Paprika and coffee and hemp, rhabba, and people getting very itchy around the bridges about that, sore loser things, not thinking we deserved that, so this is all, lubb jubb, this is all very much poor sportsmanship.”

As he was interviewed by journalists outside Downing Street while news of the appointment spread, Mr Johnson was initially coy on the point but was assured that the press were not bluffing, and that they really did know, at which point he became more forthcoming.

He said: “Have to forgive, gotta forgive, nothing for it, have to forgive a man for being cautious in this day and age, old fake Sheikhs and ‘Cliff Richard is a paedo’ and ‘are you the real Jon Venables’, all this numbskullery, need to watch out with you people, and your Chinese whispers.”

Mr Johnson immediately apologised for implying that Chinese people couldn’t pass on information accurately, defending himself by saying “I have nothing against the Chinese, they make fantastic opium as we all know, and they’re brilliant people and I’d know, I have them working for me.”

Having stated that his record was something he was proud of, and that he had recovered from any personal heartache he may have felt after being betrayed by anti-Brussels sprout Michael Gove prior to the Conservative Leadership race, Mr Johnson said that he intended to help make the United Kingdom “great again”, saying that he was “100% behind the civilising mission”.

He added: “Rappa pum pum, there’s a lot of uncertainty out there, but being certain is a great thing and I’m very certain despite saying, people saying, people claiming otherwise, and, bah, I’m going out into the world to spread the word, our word, that we will be strong, I just will, you know, just have to remember to wash my hands after shaking hands, don’t want Spanish influenza.”

“But, joking aside, it’s fair to, wug wug, the sun will never set on my brief.”

Elsewhere, Philip Hammond is the new Chancellor of the Exchequer with the brief to “clean all that white powdery shit off the budget spreadsheets”, while Mrs May has appointed Andrea Leadsom as Minister for the Mothers, Stephen Crabb as Secretary of Telecommunications, Cthulhu as Master of Ships, Enoch Powell’s smelly ghost as Minister for Equalities and Michael Gove as Commons’ Gimp.

More appointments are expected today as the Prime Minister continues to mix corporal punishment with sado-masochistic vicariousness.