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Jeremy Hunt begs Ruth Davidson to withdraw endorsement

Jeremy Hunt has made an emotional plea to Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson to withdraw her backing for his Tory leadership bid, saying he “has a family”.

In the wake of Davidson’s announcement that she would be giving her support to Hunt’s campaign, the foreign secretary, fighting tears, said: “She may as well slit my throat and be done with it.”

It comes after every candidate the Scottish Tory leader has backed so far in the contest to replace Theresa May has met with untimely deaths, with some observers citing possible blood magic.

Home secretary Sajid Javid initially won Davidson’s endorsement at the start of the campaign, before being adorably mauled to death by his own family dog, a Cavapoo called Bailey.

Following his elimination from the contest, and life, the Scots Conservative chief switched her support to Michael Gove.

Within twelve hours, the environmental secretary had been eaten by a goose while he was keeping cool in the shade next to the pond he calls home.

The Jeremy Hunt campaign is concerned their candidate could end up the victim of an errant bull, or impaled on a hospital.

In a Twitter video, Hunt got down on both knees to beg: “Ruth Davidson, please retract your statement of support. If not for me, then for my kids, who’ll still need a father.

“I don’t even want to win that much. I’m so scared. Please. My heart is beating like a drum. Oh God, is that how I’m going to go? Cardiac arrest? But I’m in such good shape.”

Davidson is sticking to her guns, and has strenuously denied being covered in leeches.

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About Hans Wringing (6 Articles)
Paid-up member of the new liberal intelligentsia

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