Rupert ‘The Bear’ Murdoch is said to be inconsolable at his “bestest fwiends in da world” falling out – Boris Johnson and Michael Gove.
The furry media tycoon apparently can’t stop weeping now his besties Gove and Johnson are at each other’s throats.
The three men had previously been allies in getting Britain out of Europe with a ladle and dumping it in hot shit soup.
But having kicked David Cameron out of the ‘Best Fwiends Foreva’ group, Harry Potter-lookalike Gove has unceremoniously told Johnson that he can no longer play with them either.
The split is rumoured to have started over a row about who would get to be the Head Cowboy in a game of Cowboys & Indians, and also because no-one wanted to play an Indian.
A source close to Rupert Murdoch said: “He’s just inconsolable.
“He won’t come out his room and he wear him blubbing from the dining room when we’re trying to have dinner.
“Rupie came down briefly, and told us he had to be alone and think for a while, as he would now have to choose between his, and I quote, ‘bestest fwiends in da world’.”
In a dramatic escalation of the conflict, Gove is said to have slit the throat of Johnson’s wife’s pet chihuahua, which the couple had affectionately named ‘Chances of Becoming Prime Minister’.