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David Cameron to ‘begin process of melting immediately’

David Cameron has announced the start of his corporeal disintegration in a surprise interview for ITV News.

The cherished former PM will slowly turn into an acidic liquid, before sizzling into a gaseous vapour and fucking off.

He will perhaps be most fondly-remembered for engineering the circumstances which led to the Brexit vote, with recent polling suggesting many middle-class voters are pleased to have “a bit of spice back in their life” in the form of financial insecurity.

The announcement means Cameron’s constituency of Witney will have an MP’s vacancy with immediate effect, due to his inability to carry out his job as a cloud of smog.

Prospective candidates for the safe Conservative seat are rumoured to include Jeremy Clarkson, Cthulhu and an obese man with a monocle and a handlebar moustache.

Making the dramatic announcement of his resignation and eventual evisceration in a short televised interview, Cameron said he had thought “long and hard” about “not becoming nothing”, but had decided it was “probably time”.

He said: “In my view, with modern politics, with the circumstances of my resignation it isn’t really possible to be a proper backbench MP as a former prime minister, especially when you’re itching to leave your human body.

“I think everything you do will become a big distraction and a big diversion from what the government needs to do for our country, especially if you’re melting like buggery.

“I will therefore begin the process of melting immediately, which will leave me in tremendous agonising pain for a number of months, until it stops upon the final separation of my atoms.”

Other Conservative Party figures are pretending to be able to feel “sadness” at the news, including former Chancellor George Osborne, who tweeted: “Sad day. Boo hoo. I’m sad. I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling. I think I’m feeling.”

“We all knew David couldn’t last forever in flesh form,” said one Tory party insider. “A body host can only hold his kind for so long. He will now return to where he belongs: the void.”

Jeremy Corbyn said that he had got on well with the former PM on a “human level”, but added: “What are we going to do to better our industrial strategy?”

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About Dan Vevers (73 Articles)
Journalist, unpublished novelist and occasional swinger, politically speaking. Don't quote me on anything.

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