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Scotland ‘would be as well’ getting an independent currency, say experts

An independent Scotland “would be as well” getting its own currency because pound sterling is “utterly goosed” and “crashing harder than Pete Doherty after he came off the smack”, a panel of economic experts have said.

The esteemed economists launched their report on an independent Scotland’s currency options earlier on Monday, which is called: ‘If we’re honest, we don’t really fucking know anything, and anyone who says they do is a twat’.

The report comes hot on the heels of comments by Sir Nicholas Macpherson, former Treasury economist and opponent of Scottish independence back in 2014, who said last week: “If I were Scotland, I’d be like, ‘fuck it’.”

The panel also questioned rumoured SNP plans to peg any future independent Scottish currency to the UK pound, with section 4.1.2 of the report reading: “Are you mad? Peg it to the pound? I wouldn’t peg chocolate coins to that prolapsing areshole of a currency.”

Since Brexit, pound sterling has lost around 10% of its value to the US dollar, leading some UK economists to wistfully reminisce of the era when Britain had the world’s fifth largest economy and a triple A credit rating, approximately three and a half weeks ago.


Britain’s golden era just ended, which is why the lion is sad.

Professor Ouda Ellnoes of Stockholm University, co-author of the report, said: “If Scotland becomes independent, it would be as well, how you say, getting the fuck out of dodge.

“We arrived at the conclusion that an independent Scottish currency would be the best thing as the British pound is, how you say, completely and utterly goosed and, how you say, crashing harder than Pete Doherty after he came off the smack.

“It’s, how you say, worth a bash.”

Prof. Ellnoes added: “Have you seen those new pictures of, how you call him, Gazza? The UK economy will look like that in about a year, I think. But I don’t really know.”

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon said the findings of ‘If we’re honest, we don’t really fucking know anything, and anyone who says they do is a twat’ would be very useful as she tries to decide whether or not to call a new independence referendum.

She has promised to look “really, really, really closely” at any possible way Scotland can stay in the UK while retaining its EU membership, but added: “Let’s get fucking real here.”

It is rumoured that Ms Sturgeon actually privately supports Scottish independence.

About Dan Vevers (73 Articles)
Journalist, unpublished novelist and occasional swinger, politically speaking. Don't quote me on anything.

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