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Jim Murphy has ‘no regrets’ despite becoming homeless man

Former Leader of the Scottish Labour Party Jim Murphy has told The Daily Belter that he has no regrets about the direction of his political career nor the decisions he made during the 2015 General Election campaign, despite becoming a vagrant as a result.

Murphy led Labour to a disastrous Election defeat in which the party lost forty of its seats and were left with only one, which was later broken down to be used as firewood to heat up their Bath Street headquarters, and immediately resigned his post, which was also put on the hearth.

But despite an advisor’s position with Finnish non-profit organisation Crisis Management Initiative [CMI] being lost when the obvious irony became apparent, and the resultant redundancy package being mistakenly invested in a magic beans scheme or being taken to repay his student loans, Murphy is upbeat about the future for himself and for his party.

Speaking exclusively to the Belter at his current accommodation outside the Sauchiehall Street branch of McDonalds, Murphy said that he “hadn’t been good enough” in the aftermath of the May 2015 election, but insisted he is “the best possible head of [his] household”, despite not having a house.

He told us: “As leader I wanted to meet these challenges, such as finding food to eat and locating somewhere warm to survive another winter, but this isn’t about individual wants, because, while I have lost possessions, the thing that hurts most is the loss of hope faced with another five years of a government totally lacking in compassion, and totally lacking in vision.”

When our reporter asked what his career prospects were now like, Murphy took an optimistic stance, saying that he was confident he would soon be able to get a job and “overcome the emotional hangover” that has lasted since he smuggled himself back to Scotland in the nets of a trawler, having been mistaken for a pike.

However, he refused to clarify whether he had interviewed for any positions, as despite saying that he’d “love to go over that” with us he then continually refused to address the point, instead insisting that Len McCluskey was “a cunt” and that “Cybernats” had directed two men to his hovel where they urinated on him.

Homeless Jim

Murphy is the latest in a long list of Scottish Labour MPs to fall between the cracks of society on purpose.

When asked how the experience had made him feel, Murphy said: “That’s up to them whether they want to urinate on me or not, all I can do is concentrate on being the head of this household and continuing to grow despite this angry nationalist campaign.”

He added that he was impressed with his successor Kezia Dugdale’s handling of the party from watching TV through a Curry’s Digital shop window, saying that she is capable of overseeing Labour’s rise to become the chief political power in Scotland.

He said: “They are like a second family, even though I don’t have a first family anymore, and the party never comes to see me or anything, or even mention me, but…um…Aye, Kezia’s a great girl, I knew she’d do good, and I’ve no doubt they have a bright future with her as…leader….leader.”

After a brief pause in which Murphy stared into space, he blinked back into awareness to tell our reporter that he “wasn’t contemplating death”, despite the fact that his previous night’s trip to a food bank had seen him fling his takings back after he experienced a flashback to a visit in 2014.

Asked by our reporter if he needed anything to help get through the night, Murphy stated that he’d be fine since he was a “big guy”, before he became very earnest and leaned forward to say: “Look, the fact is, the biggest homeless guy gets to eat tonight.”

The Daily Belter has since attempted to contact the Scottish Labour Party, who claimed to have “never heard of Jig Dumphy”, and also to ask Len McCluskey to comment on Murphy calling him a cunt, though his reply was unbearably painful due to his Scouse accent.

When we reached out to Nicola Sturgeon to ask what her thoughts were on Murphy’s newfound homelessness and the blight that has faced him post-politics, she frowned and walked past our reporter to adjust a painting of a trilby adorning dog playing a harpsichord on the wall which was hanging askew.

About Scott Malcolm Patterson (83 Articles)
Writer. Reader. Some other stuff. Dissembling.

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