The Scottish media have been left at crisis point after the long awaited First Minister’s Questions proved too boring to report on, leading to a raft of newspapers, websites and TV outlets desperately scrambling for stories about Nicola Sturgeon’s clothes and Patrick Harvie’s shiny head.
Today’s discussions were the first FMQs since 30th June and, amidst heated talk of a second independence referendum, continued post-Brexit negotiations and Willie Rennie’s continued descent into Charlie Sheen-esque insanity, it was expected to be a veritable smorgasbord of suspense, verbal violence and full scale nuclear ask and shout.
However, the forty five minute long Holyrood session instead comprised SMPs asking about an issue, then First Minister Nicola Sturgeon saying that she agreed and was doing something about it already or planned to, over and over again, with the only highlight being Sturgeon referring to Gordon Lindhurst as “an arseholeist”, which was later proved to be misheard.
Indeed, this meant that continued calls for the Conservatives to apologise for implying that mainland Europeans shouldn’t care about Banchory was the most contentious point, while the most enlightening was the revelation that the SNP’s Ruth Maguire and her Green father John Finnie go to the football together, indicating that the modern family is still intact.
Kezia Dugdale, leader of Scottish Labour, said that young people having to wait for consultation on mental health is a disgrace, and Mrs Sturgeon replied that there was an increased demand and measures were being taken to accommodate it, to which Ms Dugdale said: “Oh. Alright.”
The decidedly glossy looking Mr Harvie, co-convenor of the Scottish Greens, noted that there was an issue over companies avoiding tax, which Mrs Sturgeon agreed with, prompting Mr Harvie to remark “alright, fair enough” before sitting down and updating his fantasy football team to replace Dele Alli with Juan Mata.
Scottish Conservative leader Ruth Davidson raised issue to traffic police being merged with Police Scotland, which Mrs Sturgeon said was common sense and would be planned carefully, causing Ms Davidson to nod with a slightly disappointed little face before loudly saying “righteo, then”, letting down those who’d hoped for a Robo-traffic-cop gag.
Elsewhere, Liberal Democrat Mike Shambles complained about the “rumbles” that was Brexit, and voiced concerns over farm payments in light of the UK leaving the EU, which Mrs Sturgeon agreed with and said would be sorted, while the SNP’s Gil Paterson provided the First Minister with a set up so she could peddle her £500m Scottish Growth Fund for the second time in a week.
Train safety, reduced inward investment and something to do with teachers was also discussed, bringing to an end the season premier to a newly lengthened show that was sort of like if The Walking Dead started up again and nobody cared that Glenn got crackerjacked.
Several media outlets such as Reuters and Sky have refused to cover the event due to it not fulfilling their brief, while a BBC insider revealed that the channel has no video footage of the event due to their cameras automatically switching off due to a lack of motion, all signs that after a tumultuous summer, politics has finally returned to normal.