Sturgeon to introduce “naughty box” for unruly or unionist children

The First Minister has today unveiled plans to stop bad behaviour in schools and family homes, with a “naughty box” designed to make rogue children feel “alone, confused – and ultimately, afraid.”

The box will contain a lump of coal, a mattress made of sandpaper, “orphan rags”, Savlon for toothpaste, a teddy bear soaked in whisky with an eye coming out of its socket, and an “inordinate amount” of Tunnock’s teacakes.

The walls of the box will also be adorned with posters of the band Muse.

Music for the box will be provided by an iPad playing on continual loop a new Bjork album made exclusively for the box, in which audio from John Swinney speeches is laid over the soaring instrumentation and Bjork’s wailing.

Sturgeon said: “This is a necessary counterpoint to our new baby box. We need to be tough on bad children and tough on the causes of bad children.

“Do we really want to see future generations voting No again, just because we let them become bad people?”

The First Minister emphasised the naughty box was “as much about rehabilitation as it is about punishment”, pointing out that naughty children will get extra air holes for good behaviour.

However, bad behaviour will result in more Tunnock’s teacakes getting poured into the box.

A Scottish Labour spokesman said: “As ever with the SNP, you’ve got to read the fine print. The baby box sounds wonderful, but the naughty box sounds like something dreamed up by Jeremy Kyle and Theresa May on a post-coital peyote trip.”

Photograph: PA