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Twat who got us into this mess says everyone who isn’t helping is ‘lazy’

If you’re not 100% onboard with Brexit and doing your absolute utmost to make it work, you’re a “fat, lazy bastard” and “we’re going to have a problem”, according to a senior Cabinet official.

Dr Liam Fox, or Foxy to his mates, made the remarks at some meeting full of twats, where he appeared as the keynote twat and said some twatty things which he thought the twats would like.

Foxy was appointed by Theresa May to the position of international trade secretary, a position now so accursed that officials in Whitehall are said to jokingly refer to it as “the Defence Against the Dark Arts job”.

At the Prime Minister’s behest he has joined fellow Eurosceptics Boris Johnson and David Davis in the Cabinet to create a kind of Brexit Suicide Squad, but without the black or the woman one.

The former DJ and child actor Fox said: “If you want to share in the prosperity of our country, you have a duty to wholeheartedly help us out with that thing you didn’t want, you fat, lazy bastard fucks.

“This country is not the free-trading nation that it once was. It’s shit now, and I hate it. I wish you’d all just help us with Brexit.

“What is the point of us reshaping global trade in that way none of you supported, what is the point of us going out and looking for new markets because we burned our bridges with really useful market you all liked, if you’re all just going to sit on your hands, you arseholes?”

He added: “We’ve got to change the culture in our country to something not like Britain at all. People have got to stop thinking about exporting as an opportunity and start thinking about it as a duty – like they do in North Korea, for example. That’s consistent with my views.

“Companies who could be contributing to our national prosperity but choose not to because it might be too difficult or too time-consuming or because they can’t play golf on a Friday afternoon or because they have no idea what’s going on because we haven’t told them yet – they’re the fucking worst.

“We’re going to have a problem with those bloody nonces. I hope they end up helping us out though, because we kind of need them, the rats.

“Downing Street has sought to distance itself from the comments, with a spokesperson for Theresa May saying: “The comments are all the way over there, and we’re all the way over here. See?”

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About Dan Vevers (73 Articles)
Journalist, unpublished novelist and occasional swinger, politically speaking. Don't quote me on anything.

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