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PM to reintroduce workhouses to ‘get disadvantaged young people off the streets’

Theresa May is expected to set out her new vision for solving the problem of abject educational and future work opportunities available to disadvantaged young people by reintroducing workhouses.

The PM is expected to give a speech later today, outlining plans which will “get disadvantaged young people off the streets” by ensuring the learn the requisite skills for their futures.

She is expected to say: “As a true Burkean, I believe in the principle of everyone performing their natural role. It is evident some people are simply destined to be bin men, or spinners.

“And so it is with great pleasure that I announce the reintroduction of workhouses in towns and cities, so as to allow the lower classes to fulfil their lower class potential, and to become fully lower class.”

Theresa May, in her speech notes, has doodles of cakes dotted throughout; whether this is to reflect her concept of a tiered society, or her master plan to place Mary Berry at the head of her plans for education reform is yet unknown.

Shadow education secretary, Angela Rayner, welcomed the new idea: “This is the Tories shooting themselves in the foot on this one. More workhouses means deplorable working conditions, which is perfect for our electoral chances. We love poor people.”

Theresa May ensured working conditions would be “satisfactory”, but that for the good of the “all-seeing eye” it was necessary to move forward with the greater industrialisation of towns and cities to feed the British Empire.

She said: “The turning of the wheel by the working classes will keep the upper classes running perpetually, and by removing trifles of labour from the upper classes we can focus our gaze on the conquering of Middle Earth.”

It is rumoured the “all-seeing eye” is the reincarnation of Margaret Thatcher, and the only means of freeing the world from her posthumous grip is to throw her iconic brooch into the Humber.

In time, the workhouses are expected to move to “worklands”, where entire areas of countryside are flattened in the name of steel and industry. Environmentalists have come out in strong opposition to this plan, yet the PM was quick to dismiss their “trees for oxygen” arguments.

Trade unions have also opposed the plans, yet May had a strong and simple message for them: “Orcs don’t have unions.”

About Ross Brannigan (32 Articles)
“It is worth ascending unexiting heights if for nothing else than to see the big ones from nearer their own level.” - Nan Shepherd

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