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I will only have sex with my own kind from now on, vows Crabb

Former work and pensions secretary Stephen Crabb.

Stephen Crabb has promised to stop having sex with human beings after recently becoming embroiled in simultaneous bestiality and sexting scandals.

He made the vow after turning down any position in new Prime Minister Theresa May’s first Cabinet, citing his propensity for inter-species debauchery as one of the main reasons, along with his crippling sideways logic.

Crabb was also briefly in the running to be Conservative Party leader but was boiled alive by Michael Gove and barely escaped with his life.

Gove had told him it was just “a nice cool bath”.

But the former work and pensions secretary did himself no favours by getting himself involved in a sexting scandal, using his pincers to send sexually provocative messages to a young woman via WhatsApp.

One such text, dated July 1, read: “Ooh, baby, I’ve just shed my exoskeleton, meaning my new shell hasn’t hardened yet. This is the optimal time for mating x”.

After receiving no reply, another message from Crabb dated July 4 said: “Hey baby, what’s going on? Has your shell not molted yet? xx”

To spare Crabb’s blushes, the woman sent him a friendly but non-sexual reply, inquiring as to how the Conservative leadership campaign was going.

Crabb responded on July 7: “Ooh, baby, back in the game are we? Is that the scent of your pheromones you’re using with your claws to waft in my general direction or are you just pleased to see me? xxx”

The woman responded that perhaps Crabb had got the wrong idea.

He texted her again on July 9, saying: “Ooh, baby, playing hard to get, is that the game now? You won’t be doing that when I grip you in my pre-mating embrace for several days. I’m going to wrap my claws and legs around you and see if you can shake me off.

“Ooh, baby, and you know what happens if you can’t, don’t you? I will insert my gonopods into your gonophores, and you will store my sperm in a storage sac until such time as you want to make use of it xxxx”

The messages, as revealed by The Times, have seen Crabb’s previously rising star fall, causing him to privately tell the new PM during the Cabinet reshuffle that he would return to the backbenches, which he said would give him more time to focus on his hobbies, such as digging burrows in sand or mud.

Speaking outside No 10, Crabb told reporters: “I am deeply, deeply ashamed of my actions – at least, as far as it is possible for a Crabb to feel shame.

“It’s grossly hypocritical for someone like me, who has publicly put such stock in family values and in opposing sexual deviancy to then go and try and cheat on my wife with a human being.

“I vow from here on out to only have sex with or send sexually provocative text messages to my own kind.

“I have become submerged with guilt, drowning in sorrow, and I can barely look at algae, let alone want to eat it. My mum says I’m just shell and claws at the moment. She might be right.”

He scuttled away before the press could ask any further questions.

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About Dan Vevers (73 Articles)
Journalist, unpublished novelist and occasional swinger, politically speaking. Don't quote me on anything.

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