Joe McBloggs is wondering why everyone is so set on extrapolating the state of the Scottish economy by examining the latest financial figures from Rangers football club.
The man was reportedly even more surprised at the revelation that the data is hotly debated every year – and published by the Scottish Government.
He also noted that despite Rangers’ recent financial woes, to have made £60m in oil and gas revenues was “actually pretty impressive when you think about it”, adding: “I didn’t even know they were into fossil fuels.”
The affectionately nicknamed ‘GERS figures’ also show that while the football club is operating at a deficit of nearly £15bn, it also received a boost by growing its onshore revenues by £1.9bn – thought to be mostly due to an improvement in Ibrox ticket sales now that the club is once again wearing big boy pants.
However, McBloggs said: “The whole thing’s just fucking bizarre. I get maybe working out the state of the economy by, I dunno, looking at the Bank of Scotland’s balance sheet, or studying house prices or inflation like, but why Rangers?
“They’re hardly representative of the Scottish economy, are they? It’s no like we had to shut down the old economy and start a new one in the bottom leagues.”
“Did we?” he added, in an obvious moment of doubt of confusion.
Holyrood heavyweight Professor Adam Bumpkins has seized on the latest GERS figures as an excuse to issue his usual rallying cry: “Blow for Salmond, heavy blow. You can’t have it, Alec. We voted No, remember? We voted No. You can’t have it.”
In a paroxysm of frothing rage, he added: “WE VOTED NO ONCE AND WE’LL VOTE NO AGAIN, ALEC. YOU CAN’T HAVE IT.”
But McBloggs said he and his friends were not convinced, noting that “although it’s still early days, they’re currently top of the table”.
He added: “I don’t get it. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is arguing about it on Twitter. That makes it important by default, doesn’t it?”