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South Queensferry residents in state of terror as Fifers flood across new bridge

Residents of South Queensferry have spoken of their terror after the new Queensferry Crossing, which was connected to the north side yesterday, opened the way for thousands of Fifers.

Eyewitnesses said they saw “vicious, hairy savages” waiting for the last piece to connect the north and south sides, before running “like a pack of wolves” across the new bridge.

One woman said: “We built sandbags and small watch towers, but they couldn’t stand the flood. It was awful. They ate through the sandbags, and spat acid that disintegrated the watch towers.”

It is rumoured the newcomers have forked tongues and that their armpits are independently conscious beings.

New emergency measures have been put into effect in order to deal with the crisis. Rumour has it Cthulhu has received requests to be stationed within the depths of the Firth of Forth.

Other measures include establishing a wall around South Queensferry, and others have suggested lining the new bridge with garlic and religious symbols.

One Fifer was approached to comment on the reaction of the locals of South Queensferry, but he ate the reporter’s microphone and complained of the lack of tracksuits and Buckfast.

It is thought some of the newcomers have never had access to the world beyond Oakley, and schemes are in place to introduce them to civilised life.

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About Ross Brannigan (32 Articles)
"Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on our own bottom" - Montaigne.

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