Pro-independence campers who have been parked outside Holyrood since November 2015 have given up their protest after finding out most of Holyrood already agrees with them.
Having braved the rain, wind and snow of winter in the indycamp’s early months, campers laughed off any notion they might be embarrassed at the fact they didn’t realise the protest was entirely redundant until midsummer.
“I’m not the slightest bit abashed,” 41-year-old Findlay told The Daily Belter, while trying to flatten himself against a nearby wall. “It takes absolutely nothing away from the passion, sincerity and validity of our campaign,” he added, now mysteriously attempting to dive head-first into a large plant-pot.
But another camper, who said she was called Lorraine Smith VSS, was slightly more candid about the situation.
“I’ll be honest, when that judge told us the Scottish Government had supported independence all along – and indeed, had done since 2007 – I just thought about the midges.
“All – the – fucking – midges – and – fucking – wasps – and – fucking – smell of camping – ARRRRGGGGHHH.
“I’m going to fucking kill Terry.”
We spoke to campaign coordinator Terry Hudson on condition of anonymi – never mind.
Hudson said: “Honestly, we should have checked first. I just figured if the Scottish Parliament supported independence, we’d – you know – be independent already.”
“You know what they say – never assume,” he added with a nervous laugh. “It makes an ass of Lorraine and me.”
The former indycampers will now have to re-assimilate to Scottish civilisation, with most still believing that David Cameron is Prime Minister and Stewart Hosie is SNP deputy leader, while few imagined Jeremy Corbyn might still be in charge of the Labour Party.
Many also have divorce papers waiting to be signed, with the exceptions being the ones who were single to start with.
They also have no idea that David Bowie is dead, as evidenced by the fact they played the classic song ‘Heroes’ out of a boom-box once the judge had brought the court session to a close, causing onlookers in the stands to visibly cringe in grief and discomfort.