Please don’t elect Donald Trump because the twentieth century was really tough-going for me and I was hoping for a breather, History has pleaded with US voters.
History adds to the swelling ranks of esoteric luminaries warning against letting a giant racist orange chicken take over the world’s most expensive military, joining God, David Bowie’s ghost, The Future, Common Decency, and The Energy That Binds Humanity in opposition to Trump.
History broke his silence over the US presidential race after Trump was officially made nominee for the Republican Party at its national convention, where he closed the event with a rousing speech calling for “more lebensraum” for “real Americans”.
Jabbing his finger in the air while locks of hair came loose onto his forehead, Trump added: “Es ist zeit fur reich! Wir mussen die Muslim ausrotten!”
Speaking at a hastily-called press conference, a bemused History asked reporters: “You honestly haven’t heard that before?”
History continued: “Look, normally I’m fine with letting you have your little tantrums. But honestly, America, you don’t even have the Great Depression as an excuse.
“Brexit was sort of forgivable. This is just… cutting off your face to spite your children.”
Pressed on whether he should be interfering in events at all, History said: “Yeah, sure, maybe it will create some kind of paradox. But it can’t be anymore paradoxical than letting someone who was created out of kittens’ nightmares be in charge of the American Dream.”
“Look,” he went on. “We all have our bad days. Well, I’ve had a pretty bad century. The twentieth was terrible, all these people dying on me all the time, it was rubbish.
“In fact, all the centuries have been pretty awful. War, racism, stupidity. Witch-burning, slavery. Noel Edmonds.
“I was really hoping you fuckers would give me a fucking break this century, but ISIS had other ideas. And so, apparently, does the GOP.”
Asked if Trump would really be that bad, History responded: “He’s an enema, for the love of God. He’s a walking sweet potato.
“Look, best-case scenario, he ends up being a kind of vaguely-comic Berlusconi-type figure.
“Worst-case, I have to send a man on fire back in time just to show you what happened.”
Trump is said to be furious about the comments, and reportedly told aides: “That guy’s History!” Earlier this morning, he released a counter-statement to History, which said:
“History’s a liar, he’s a great big liar and a stupid crook, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he needs to smell the coffee because it smells great, History’s a whiner, never talk to History when you can talk to The Future, now, The Future’s not very happy with me either, but at least he’s not a stupid liar, I mean, History’s really disgusting isn’t he? Have you ever seen him eat a burrito? Neither have I, but I have eaten plenty of burritos in my time, and let me tell you, I could hold it in my hands in its entirety, and I ate it like a King, and let me tell you, it was delicious, Mexicans can really do burritos, I want them to build me a massive burrito and I’d make them pay for it. Trust me. Believe it.”