The Guardian is rolling out a new subscription package for readers in which they will get an actual bubble to live in, which the newspaper has assured customers is “perfectly safe, in fact probably the safest space going” and “100% biodegradable”.
The innovative new business model comes as the Guardian prepares to announce a record full-year pre-tax loss of £173 million – money which they could have otherwise used to feed starving African children.
In previous attempts to cut costs and raise revenues, the paper increased its cover price by 20p in April and announced it would cut 250 jobs in March, and is now said to be considering denying access to online readers who use Adblocking, the capitalist pigs.
But Guardian management is hoping the new ‘Bubble Model’ will mean the media company does not have to sacrifice any more of its socialist principles.
A non-gendered spokesperson said: “Think of the bubble as a bubble of the spirit as well as of the body. Let it soothe you and distract you so that, in theory, you could walk through a race riot and you wouldn’t even know it, because you’d be too busy wondering if Silicon Valley has maybe gone too far and taken over reality or whether or not it’s time for a lesbian James Bond.
“Instead of seeing normal people, you’ll get to see the serious faces of Aditya Chakrabortty and Polly Toynbee simpering at you from the bubble’s in-built screen, and the boyish good looks of Owen Jones as he tells you with his Northern twang how bad the Tories are, and for an occasional bit of edge, we’ll have the hip and super cool Frankie Boyle explain how most politicians are paedophiles – although that’s just a joke and child abuse is a very serious matter.”
The proposals could prove to be controversial among Guardian readers due to a growing sense amongst the liberal left that they need to in fact get out of previously figurative bubbles and echo chambers to talk to real people, due to the fact that real people have gone batshit mental.
Commenting, the Guardian spokesperson said: “You don’t want to do that. There’s nothing for you out there – only pain. You were in those figurative bubbles because it was better than the shit-show out there. Now we have real bubbles, inside which nothing can hurt you.
“You don’t want to talk about if the Polish family around the corner have been looking at you funny, or get angry about terrorists having human rights. You want to talk about the things that matter – like if the hedgehog epitomises Britishness, or if we’ve reached ‘peak beard’, or if electric tofu damages the environment.
“Let us become what we were always supposed to be – your actual Guardian.”