Sir Philip Green has ‘an unacceptable face’, says inquiry

A damning parliamentary inquiry has revealed that former BHS boss but still apparently Sir Philip Green has “the kind of face you just want to paint with acid”.

“He’s got a face that screams ‘arsehole’ so loud it could very easily be confused with a Pokemon called Arsehole,” said work and pensions committee chairman Frank Field MP.

“Just look at it,” Mr Field continued. “And tell me ‘innocent until proven guilty’ aren’t just redundant buzzwords made out of liberal farts.”

The inquiry also found Sir Philip – as we write, he remains a Sir – extracted large sums of money from the now collapsed BHS and left its pensions fund in crippling deficit.

These are all things you’d expect from a face like that, noted MPs.

The inquiry report also noted that the entrepreneur, if he had a moral bone in his body, would make a large financial contribution to compensate the tens of thousands of pensioners facing swingeing cuts to their benefits due to his business folly.

But, the report concluded, “Green is unlikely to do this, because just look at his face”.

It is the second time in the last week a businessman’s face has come under public scrutiny, after MPs heard evidence of how Sports Direct boss Mike Ashley was running the retailer like a “Victorian workhouse” and came to the conclusion it was due to the “Mr Bumble-esque level of twattery clearly visible on his twatty face”.

As we write, we believe Sir Philip is still a sir, although that could change in future paragraphs.